PJ and some blah blah.

I refuse to bow down to any allegation that I could be insidiously annoying this time of the month. I can prove that in none of the conversations, meetings or personal interactions I had this month, I was eating anyone’s brain.

“Oh my god, Am just out from a meeting with H and She was eating my brain over blah blah.”

Nope! That is a lie.

Am a perfect girl this season. One who is suddenly always a great listener, appreciative, conversationalist, never blah blah blahs. I just cannot annoy anyone.  For instance, WordPress is saying I have spam comments and I love these comments but it is all spam, I would not want them to be spam, but it is what it is and WordPress is shielding me,helping me and am not complaining…only hoping that someone selling cheap low Viagra online is also a veracious reader who while enhancing life surfs WordPress and comments on my post “Grade A stuff. I’m unquestionably in your debt.”  And instead of clicking on “Empty Spam” because WordPress says it is a spam , I bask in that “Grade A, huh .. I must be good“.

Where am I going with all this? Am not eating anyone’s brain…..I cannot be.

(Coughing) Sorry can’t type anymore .. I think I have some part of your brain stuck in my throat.

(Spitting out) But I cannot eat it .. am fasting. Roza.

Happy Ramadan.

Me with fork and knife – Sweetie, Is it time yet? let’s eat some brain  dates.

Image source

 

Just when I decided to quit eating sweet , Universe noticed Aha.

And my dear neighbor decided to learn to bake cakes !

Two. Chocolate and Pineapple.

With frosting. Pink !

Pineapple is my favorite !

True Story.

whatsapp-image-2016-12-06-at-10-06-52-pm

Universe : Victory! 

 

On the days when you don’t feel like cooking…

… you have permission to use my recipe, am gonna share with you.And thank me (profusely) later , which am sure you would (profusely).

Because not only am sharing a quick easy peasy recipe , am giving wings to ideas , one where you will find yourself spending less time in the kitchen and more time doing whatever shit you wanna do outside kitchen,without compromising on taste. Yes. This recipe is awesome!

Now , continue , without any more delays , Here it is

Drum rolls !

Cooking time , 20 minutes.

Actual cooking time , in the kitchen – 5 minutes.

  1. Get a packet of noodles and a packet of soup. Any soup , any noodle. I have these two in my storage. Veg Hakka Noodles and Chicken Delite Knorr Soup. 20160821_194834

 

  1. Find a deep pot , Boil water as per instructions on noodle packet. I didn’t wait long enough and added tomato , pea and then white sesame seeds for its looks! Handsome colors ha ?

Once the water starts boiling , add soup , stir it once.Avoid any lumps.

20160821_194640

  1. Once the soup powder is completely dissolved , add noodles. Add whatever veggie /chicken /meat residing in your  fridge. I added tomato , peas, paneer, green chilli , cauliflower blah blah blah. At this time , I missed boneless chicken a lot 😦 ,but what the hell , continue.

20160821_200938

 

  1. I peeked again into a fridge and found this leftover chickpea curry and awesome mint chutney. Moto is to add  whatever is left in your fridge. Get rid of that sauce lying there for a week , or the curry you no more like to have as is , blah blah !

20160821_194930

 

Now , your 5 minutes into the kitchen is over. Go out of this fire and water chamber , find something else to do , like reading this post , clicking on like and follow!

Check on the soupy noodle after some time and see if the consistency appeals you. Mine was appealing and this is how it look in the end.

20160821_201223

This was a few weeks ago , and I have already tried this twice , days when my cook ditched me and I was in no mood to cook which seems perpetual these days.

Go one , try it.

And , If by some bad karma , or past life sins , or sins of your forefathers , or sins of your neighbour ,   or sins of your friends , highly incapable and unqualified taste buds,  you didn’t like what you cooked by following my recipe, You are permitted to cuss me, call me names , but remember “Who made the dish? YOU! HIGH TIME , Take responsibility for your action !” <End of barking>

Happy eating!

Son , THAT is not what I meant.

Location : Assam – mountain , rain ,  waterfall.

Me : Adi , Look that is waterfall .. see how water is falling down ..waterfall.

Location : Tamini Ghat , again – mountain , rain ,  waterfall.

Me : Adi , yaad hai  (Remember this ?) a waterfall . Isn’t it lovely?

Location : Morning at Home  , Adi woke up with a full bladder.

Adi ( in the bathroom , naughty smile ) : Mummy , mummy Look waterfall !

Calvin peeing
Yes , this is Calvin peeing , expression reminded me of my Son showing his “waterfall” Image courtesy – Google.

 

Nope , nope , nope , no , no , no son ..nahi!

THAT ! is not what I meant!

When God wants , he just wants . He is quite stubborn that way!

The plan was great.. Sort of foolproof.

It was simple and it was based on facts , truth , stories and folklore and human behavior.

Husband and I , are made  for each other. And also  made of bones   lazy bones and flesh. If we could have our way , I will be reading , sleeping and fishing all day , all year long and he would , well (pause) , he would never ever even lift his finger.

PS : If you would ask him , he, of course, would deny , but remember you are my friend , not his. Whom would you trust ? Me or Him? If you said Him , Congratulations! You made it to my send-hitmen-to-hit list!

Moving ahead,

Like I said. We had planned it well. I always wanted a child. One who would be ours. My eyes , definitely my nose and his voice (only) . He will grow up to be a smart , handsome and very very resourceful boy.

Scene 1 : Me and husband watching TV , Need to change the channel , but remote is on the table at the far corner.

Me : Adi , Pass me that remote .

Adi will run , the boy wanna impress me with his speed. He will feel proud that I asked him something. He will rush , bring me the remote and I can see accomplishment in his eyes. Husband and I will clap Good Boy and hail him hero!

Doesn’t all 4-year-old love that? No kidding ! That is a fact.

Haven’t you ever asked any kid to open a water bottle? He will do it with pleasure.  And with more than one 4-year-old , there is a possibility of a riot, each vying for my attention and bring me my desire.

Scene 2 : Am reading , the window is open and the breeze is cool. I feel cold. Perhaps one should switch off the fan.hmm , I wonder who could help me with that?

Adi will run and boy !Am impressed …My Bolt.

This is his one growing phase  , I wish he would never grow out. I wish and it is my husband’s wish too. He is just waiting for the time when he can ask him to bring remote , water bottle , handle switches blah blah blah.

Meanwhile , up above the sky , God was listening. He understood us. He knew what we wanted. He had the exact kid in mind. He was happy to send him to us and we were thrilled to receive him!

Now the Reality.

Scene 2 : Am reading , the window is open and the breeze is cool. I feel cold. Perhaps one should switch off the fan.hmm , I wonder who could help me with that?

Me : Adi, please switch off the fan.

Adi who is playing just a hand away from fan switch , just few inches away  will look up and .

Adi (with curious eyes) : Why mummy ?

Me : coz its cold.

Adi ( with more curiosity): Why is it, cold mummy ?

Me : coz it’s breezy . The window is open. See kitni achi hawa

Adi (with the look of wtf) : Why is the window open?

Me : Coz I left it open? (I hope that will shut him up)

Adi (then it is clearly not my problem look) : Why did you leave it open ?

Me : I did not , but then if you would just reach out .. it is one in the middle.

Adi ( Are you insane) : But you just said you did. Why did you say so?

Me ( Did I say that ? ) : Ahem ahem .. I did say that because I thought ….that .. now it is the one in the middle. It is very breezy .. if you would just.

Adi (I have to get to the bottom of this issue) : What were you thinking mummy ?

….

After 10 minutes and 100 questions later .

I get up and switch off the fan. Yes , the one in the middle.

Meanwhile , up above the sky , God is feeling slightly more proud than he should be. If you ask me !

Thatsmyboy

 

 

How did scene 1 end in reality ? Don’t even get me started unless you are home and am watching TV and I need YOU to pass remote …

Grrrrrrr God ,

wehadadeal

 

PS: All images from google image search. Thank you letting me use!

Vegan friends , I feel your pain!

Scene : Dinner time , no chicken , no fish , not every egg. Okra fry and Indian bread. My life sucks!

Suddenly  , I feel a pain in my heart. OMG ! Am I having a heart attack?

My head tries to focus on food , trying best to relish it , but my heart has given up. So you see “the” heart attack.

This is how blabbing goes…

I have always felt pain and sorry for vegans. I mean , what do you get to eat as vegetarians? I see them jumping at paneer dish , craving for chole-batura.

Oh my ! What a pity …Have they ever tasted keema rolls??

Head : .. You seriously can’t be saying this ?  

No , no , I do. really. With all my heart , I feel for them. A good vegan food is an oxymoron.

Head: Oh C’ON , veggie is good.

I know I should not be saying this on a public post , I will get backlash from all my vegan fan following..Sign! Not to mention my vegan friends.

Head: fan? Do you mean the ceiling fan ….. ha ha ha I mean this is your best joke ever!

Ignoring head , he is a nut….

Head: You are confused again, I am you , your head. I cannot be He. Wrong pronoun lady. Again!

How can you be Me, you just advocated for vegans!

Head: You do know capsicum is your favourite. You like Began ka bharta and Aloo pitika is the best mashed potato in the world!

So, I have few favourite. But I cannot live on veg alone , I mean I need chicken , egg or fish.

My refrigerator needs protein , and so does my stomach.

My liver needs to filter some chicken soup and my eyes are looking out for surmai fish , covered with semolina , soaked in masala , ting of lemon juice,  cooked slowly on a pan with mustard oil . Aaah !

I hate my dinner . And my vegan friends , I will show some solidarity and be happy and jump at paneer butter masala , but my true love will always be ..

Head (to his fans   vegan fans ) : This is not my heart!

 

Egg is yummy , nice on tummy but comes from bummy , says my hubby!

Scene 1:

Me and Husband eating boiled egg-potato curry with steamed rice for dinner. Am in good mood. Even though egg is not fish , I consider anything that moves or has capacity to move , if not eaten in its embryonic state qualifies for a good dinner and happy stomach.

PS: Now that I have it written , it sounds kind of gross.. to eat living breathing creatures which could move, crawl or moan.

PPS :My head quickly throws above PS out of window and I strike it out.  

Anyways, Back to dinner.

HappyEggs

Egg is yummy and nice on tummy!

Scene 2 :
With happy stomach , we sat down with son to watch Ant bully -The movie.

Lucas the boy , sits to eat with his ant-friends what they call honeydew “treat”. Its a wobbly-dobbly green blob liquid. Lucas loved it and finishes it off quickly ,prompting an ant to ask if he wants more. Of-course he wants more. Its so tasty. It’s a treat ,

The ant turns around , happily places the bowl to collect more of the “treat” coming out of a caterpillar’s bottom.

Holy Lord , Lucas was eating caterpillar’s poop!

Me : Ewwwww , that is gross.. I can never ever have anything , however tasty it is ,coming out of any creature’s bottom!

Husband  Evil laughs for 5 minutes

After 5 minutes,  What do you think  ,where does egg come from ?

BadEgg

Egg is no yummy , comes from bummy , says my hubby

Please “Bear” me

Thank you dear D for nominating me for something very different . Spirit of animal award. How cool is that ! Lots!

So, 5 facts about me.

  1. At 12 ,I tried to participate in school group dance , first time. But was kicked out because I could not shake my damn butt.I had stiff-butt syndrome. It just wont shake like Shakira. Since then, I never tried butt dancing on stage , but it hasn’t stopped me from dancing off-stage 😉
  2. I hate summer , especially Indian summer. It’s sweaty and seriously hot. But I love Mango , yummy . It’s truly king of fruits.
  3. I have never been to spa. I wish to visit once.
  4. I would rather read synopsis on imdb, then sit through 2 hours of a movie. My husband refuses to let me have remote on the ground that I could read the movie I wanna see , but he really need to watch . Grrr..
  5.  I hate cooking , I just survive kitchen. I wish humans were like camels , who could go without food and water for many many days so I wouldn’t have to cook every damn day! Needless to say , I got a cook as soon as my salary allowed me the luxury. yay!

Now , my favorite part.

Q:If you were an animal, which animal would you be?

Bear, Definitely a Bear , hundred times : Bear. Bear in this life and the next one .

Why ? You bet  , at the end of this list ..all you would want is to be a Bear.

Please Bear me.

  1. So I can nap all winters , I mean all of the winters. No office , no get-ready-for school , no cooking , no washing , no laundry ..just months of pure bliss. Sleep time. I know , right ..why can’t we all be just bear!
  2. I wanna be Bear from Game Of Throne after the period of “Winter is coming” when winter has arrived ! Why ? See above silly.
  3. So I can eat fish , swim with fish , play with fish and be just plain good old fish eater. 6th fact- I love fish.
  4. There are stories around in google how bear passed out  after drinking beer. I need to do that .. that is in my bucket list. Get drunk once in life! To feel out of world and be free of head nodding “no” for every desire. So what’ stopping me? …. The taste and smell of alcohol is so nasty , I can’t go beyond a sip. Why can’t anyone get drunk eating fish with mango milk-shake! Right?
  5. I can feature in Masha and the Bear .. Oh How I love the series.
  6. I can be the Po in Kung-fu-Panda . Lady , those are an animated series .  Gawh .. Am sure there is a team of humans who did those animations , and they need an inspiration , they do study actual bear.  I could be the that one. Perform all stunt of Kung-fu while they are watching me and tirelessly capturing me in animate. And on the day of release hey see ..kung-fu-panda looks like me! 
  7.  So I can build up my fat and really do not ever ever worry about weight gain. Stomach isn’t flat , arms too big  , thighs are like 4 lane highways! Move over , come here fish. Lets make that stomach big round ball of fur !
  8. So I look so big that everyone is afraid  of me and I can terrorize anyone I want.

PS: Got to make list of people not to terrorize. Either you reader , like this post or send me a plate of fish with a dozen fresh mango to avoid being excluded from that list. You have been warned.

The last and interesting part ..Nominees.

Now this is really difficult for me. Each one in blogging community is so wonderful , it’s hard to name just 10. I love all I read .. So am gonna name the last 10 blogs I started following.

Spoken like true nut.

Garfield hug 

DocToPoet

Little voice 

this stuff is golden

This is my Life!

Days in Hell

Blog of Hammad Rais

A Hopelessly Wandering Mind

You are by no means obliged to participate, if you’d like to, have fun with it!:)

Rules:

Once you’re nominated add the photo to your blog.

Write a short (5 lines or more) description about yourself and what your blog means to you. Oh and if you were an animal, which animal would you be? (No buzzfeed answers please).

Nominate 10 bloggers for this award

Done. Please be Bear. We can hibernate together.Winter is coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I became a Doctor.

We watch House MD. Me and my husband. All season , all re-runs. I think we are addicted.

hmm, Sometimes over tea while watching re-run I ask him : Why do we watch House ?

What is it with this TV series, full of medical jargons we possibly would not understand without the english subtitle , not to mention annoying main character who is crippled,refuses to wear coat , preaches not to follow rules and thinks he is the Sherlock Holmes or worst God himself.
…. and what the hell is Dept of  Diagnostics anyways ? 

… and why does Dean of a prestigious hospital wears sexy , tight , plunging neckline dress everyday to office. Phew , the neckline , that tight skirt .  Hospital is hot. 

I can cure.

Me with ladies on an evening walk , ladies who are blessed to know nothing about House

Friend ( suddenly , trying to hold on to me, clearly in lot of pain) : I don’t know , I have this leg pain from past 2-3 days..wont go away… can we stop for a sec?

Me (guffawed .. like real loud big guffaw) :  Vicodin. Take vicodin.

All eyes on me , earth stopped at its course .. actually I felt everything stopped at its course  and every pair of eyes on me.Lady .. didnt you hear that.. she just said she is in pain .. she is your friend .. what’s with that laugh?! 

Me : I mean ..  .. Vicodin is pain killer. Take it.

vicodin
Pain , pain go away . Come again another day. Vicodin is here to stay 😀

Friend : Eh , Is vicodin good?

Hell yes .. Breakfast of champions!

And there , normality was resumed. Earth continued its rotation and I thanked Dr House for saving my friendship.

People have symptoms..

Really , Miss goody. One who cares about water crisis , kids fighting in the garden,the stray cat, dog .. and then always after the party in  oh-i-care-so-much voice

How did she back go home .. I hope she got a drop ?

That is definitely a symptom . A cause of an underlying disease. No one , no human being with right set of DNA and grey matter can be THAT nice about, hell , every living being crawling , breathing on earth , air or wind.

Niceness is a symptom and she needs treatment. She does not know this yet.

Dr house can diagnose it, I could diagnose it.
Who knows .. next could be that she got a heart attack because the kid fell off the swing and got bruises.

I learned I could not be seeing what my eyes sees , hear what my ears heard or whats coming out or rather hoping to come out of son’s bum soon.

Night time.. eyes very very sleepy , lights off , head just about to rest on pillow ..

Son: Mummy potty .

I heard something , I saw son saying potty , holding on to his dear tushy and hubby dear taking him to bathroom and me sleeping . He said “Goodnight sweetie” . My eyes are closed , body relaxed. I have a wonderful loving husband .

Son (screaming ): Potty …!

Husband ( screaming ) : He wants to go to potty. Only with you ..

Me: what is happening .. I just saw you took him to bathroom.

Husband : Stop seeing things and take him to bathroom. He only wants to go with you ..

Aaaah , where the hell is my loving caring husband !  I hallunicated him ..

Evil bitch

Now , that is what I call a bitch. In real sense. A human bitch.I mean literally , physically , whole-heartily, emotionally , when-she-speak-ily , when-she-doesnt-speakily. She talks evil about everyone , spreads lies , gangs up and blah blah blah blah.

As you ,my intelligent reader species have understood  by now , I hate her  too ( too..?Yes I dont like Miss goody ) with my pure heart , lungs and kidney.

Symptom . Again.

She cant be THAT annoying . I mean look at her gorgeous figure .How can someone with such good looks can be such a snob..She needs help.

She definitely needs Dr House.

ugh-people
She is nice = symptom, She is evil = symptom, She is normal = deep rooted , difficult to detect symptom.

He doesn’t mean what he is saying..Everybody lies.

Husband at dinner table: I think this needs a bit of salt .Pass me salt , please.

Me : What (He is lying .. messing with my head , my your cooking skills , I should reply with an attitude Do-not-mess-with-me) : I think salt is just fine.

Husband: Pass me salt ..

Me: I know what you are trying to do. And I will not accept this. Everybody lies. You are a liar.

Husband (holly molly) : I do not need salt. Salt is just fine.
Me : Thanks Doctor House… I know now .. lies!

everybodylies
Salt is salt (source=google)

You are a Ninja warrior.

Move over doctors , MD , MBBS , MHDNS … I can solve any problem.

And you know what , lets do a differential diagonastic. I bet my doctor won’t even understand what does that mean. Who needs a doctor when we have a Doctor with capital D.

Problem :Pain in the leg

Do a brain biopsy and hit your leg at the same time . The brain cells that lights up when you hit your leg ..those are the one! Remove those nasty brain cells and leg pain will be gone forever. Trust me  , it works. Every third patient in a hospital needs brain biopsy.

Problem :Bad itching , or hiccups non-stop. Perhaps suffering from running nose ? running for a long time.

Must be Autoimmune disorder. Body’s immune system is turned against itself , so runny nose keeps running , itches keeps itching, hiccups won’t  stop. What the hell immune system is NOT doing. Tell doctor , I want to replace my immune system. It is faulty. Just get immune transplant.

Rest of all : Just take broad spectrum antibiotics and you will be covered from any tom,dick or harry disease.

Then there is always Vicodin.


 

Reader ,the intelligent species : Hey , This is such an insightful post.. Thank you so much.I feel like am a doctor now.

Me : Don’t thank me. Thanks House.

Reader ,the one-with-symptom  species :So, what’s next ? I want to be a serial killer. Do you watch Dexter?

Me : Dear , I also watch Law and Order , Castle and  Quantico!


 

PS: All images = from google.

PPS: My dear husband suggested House to write post . He is watching House now and have not read this post yet. Am sure he will agree or care to disagree. In either case , I will give him broad spectrum antibiotic to cure him of whatever he has.

 

I want twins …..sure?

2012:

We want twins . We always wanted twins. I have to do something may be eat 2 banana, eat 2 chapati .. everything in multiplication of 2.

Shall we ask doctor if it’s possible somehow ?

I read somewhere women who conceive after certain age are most likely to have twins. Shall we postpone ?

Oh , How I wish I have twins! Let’s check out cloning?

Me : Why can’t you teach your swimmers to join hands and end up in a draw ! .. I  really really wanna have twins..

Iwannatwins

 

But Alas , Life is not a freaking wish granting factory!

Doc , Are you sure .. look closely ..their might be another egg and sperm trying out ?

My sister has twins

Am so happy , at least someone has twins…she is so lucky!

sheislucky

My sister comes home with her year old twins named L and K

L sleeps at 2000 , K at 2300. L wakes up at 600  and K at 1000. Each child takes turn to wake up every 2 hours.

L likes cerelac for breakfast , K likes his meal less mushy. Two breakfasts.

L is playing with red car. K wants the very same red car at the very same moment. One screams , other is crazily happy seeing bro scream!

L pees , then K pees and then L poos and then K poos. And then L needs to pee again. And then it is bath time , one after another.

K is playing with his favorite toy when L wants mommy. Then contagiously K also wants mommy. Mommy wants to pee but who cares!

After  2 days , sister goes back with her twins.

Me , husband finally : Yay ! We do not have twins! 

thankgod
Google.

“Bach gaye”!