Yes son , you are so yummy , I ate you!

 

14th August,2012

I saw him first , 4 years ago. My first feeling  “Why is he so tiny? Doc said he will be above 3 kilos. Look at his nose , his eyes , he looks like my papa!” and I was hooked.

Ever since then, I haven’t stopped loving him , falling head over heels with this little man every single day. The kind of love I have for him , actually surprise me. That am capable of loving someone so much. And the best part is I get love in return,so much more than I could imagine. The little man loves me , adores me , lights me up with his voice. He does everything right , at least to me. Believe it or not , a mother can feel , actually literally feel her child’s physical pain. I did for , possibly first two years. And stopped only after he started faking his pain to mess with me , or to get attention ,or just to be naughty.

Every year , I tell myself “Oh this is the best phase, I wish he would never grow out of this (phase). ” And he amazes me with his next milestone.

Yesterday, a day before he turned 4 , he finished his rice plate himself, on his own . The waiter at biryani house gave him a plate ,a little spoon and he started eating himself. Before I could help , which I do usually, my husband shushed me and I watched him use a spoon and eat rice-biryani , from the corner of my eyes , heart thumping in excitement (I swear these motherly hormones behave crazily stupid someday , what is so exciting ? he is only eating rice with spoon???!) . Well , that was just once but it is a start.

We celebrated his 4th birthday today ,on 14th Aug , aka the day I meant to publish this post. Happy Birthday, Son❤. I will always love you. I cannot help , but love you all my life.

His take on turning 4 ” So am I as big as papa now?

So , now to come back to the title of this post. 

Me: Happy Birthday Adi , wow you are a big 4-year old now!

Adi : Why ?

Really ?! “why” that is the response..? The perpetual stream of “Why”  from kid these days!. 

Me : Because , 4 years ago, you were born from my tummy son.

Adi :  Kyoun ? Aap mujhe kha gaye the kya mummy? Mummy , Did you eat me up ?

Ahem , ahem, So how he ended up in my tummy at first place! Good question.

Me (Hugging him tightly) : Yes , You are very very yummy Adi , so I ate you🙂 , And now am gonna eat you again ……..

2016-08-16 12.57.54
He refuses to pose for the camera  , this pic was taken a few months ago and the best one I have. Believe it or not , he is the love of my life and I don’t even have a proper pic to share.

Do you have a good heart?

This was in my facebook feed today .I think it is a wonderful advice , one all of us should follow . Literally !

Heart :   hmm Good advice , how do I follow it?

  1. Make a list of all friends. Let’s call it list A.
  2. Google ” How to cut open heart”.
  3. Google ” What is a good heart” ? Red, juicy ,  4 chambers , beating rhythmically , pay attention to sound : lub-dub , dhak-dhak,ding-dong ?
  4. Get the first person from the list A. Follow instructions from  2 and 3.
  5. All good ? Congratulations ! I found a good person with a good heart.
  6. Bad heart?    Move friend to not-my-friend list.
  7. Get the next person from list A ,repeat 5 and 6.
  8. Very Important  : Don’t get caught cutting heart open. You do not want to be friend with people from jail.
  9. Be a good citizen , tell the friend in not-my-friend list that the heart is not good. Nope , nope , nope my X-friend , you have a bad heart. I saw it.
  10. Spread the word. Post it on FB , twitter , Instagram , write a post.
  11. Start a company to do the service above. Employ doctors. That will be the professional way to do it.Huge hit , make millions ..
  12. With millions in bank account , buy a bungalow. Move from apartment to bungalow.
  13. A new swanky car , which I cannot drive myself. So get a driver. 24/7
  14. More bull shit…..

At this point, Head could not take it anymore (yelling) : Stop this crazy shit and get back to work.

Uff , If only I had a supporting head !!!

 

When God wants , he just wants . He is quite stubborn that way!

The plan was great.. Sort of foolproof.

It was simple and it was based on facts , truth , stories and folklore and human behavior.

Husband and I , are made  for each other. And also  made of bones   lazy bones and flesh. If we could have our way , I will be reading , sleeping and fishing all day , all year long and he would , well (pause) , he would never ever even lift his finger.

PS : If you would ask him , he, of course, would deny , but remember you are my friend , not his. Whom would you trust ? Me or Him? If you said Him , Congratulations! You made it to my send-hitmen-to-hit list!

Moving ahead,

Like I said. We had planned it well. I always wanted a child. One who would be ours. My eyes , definitely my nose and his voice (only) . He will grow up to be a smart , handsome and very very resourceful boy.

Scene 1 : Me and husband watching TV , Need to change the channel , but remote is on the table at the far corner.

Me : Adi , Pass me that remote .

Adi will run , the boy wanna impress me with his speed. He will feel proud that I asked him something. He will rush , bring me the remote and I can see accomplishment in his eyes. Husband and I will clap Good Boy and hail him hero!

Doesn’t all 4-year-old love that? No kidding ! That is a fact.

Haven’t you ever asked any kid to open a water bottle? He will do it with pleasure.  And with more than one 4-year-old , there is a possibility of a riot, each vying for my attention and bring me my desire.

Scene 2 : Am reading , the window is open and the breeze is cool. I feel cold. Perhaps one should switch off the fan.hmm , I wonder who could help me with that?

Adi will run and boy !Am impressed …My Bolt.

This is his one growing phase  , I wish he would never grow out. I wish and it is my husband’s wish too. He is just waiting for the time when he can ask him to bring remote , water bottle , handle switches blah blah blah.

Meanwhile , up above the sky , God was listening. He understood us. He knew what we wanted. He had the exact kid in mind. He was happy to send him to us and we were thrilled to receive him!

Now the Reality.

Scene 2 : Am reading , the window is open and the breeze is cool. I feel cold. Perhaps one should switch off the fan.hmm , I wonder who could help me with that?

Me : Adi, please switch off the fan.

Adi who is playing just a hand away from fan switch , just few inches away  will look up and .

Adi (with curious eyes) : Why mummy ?

Me : coz its cold.

Adi ( with more curiosity): Why is it, cold mummy ?

Me : coz it’s breezy . The window is open. See kitni achi hawa

Adi (with the look of wtf) : Why is the window open?

Me : Coz I left it open? (I hope that will shut him up)

Adi (then it is clearly not my problem look) : Why did you leave it open ?

Me : I did not , but then if you would just reach out .. it is one in the middle.

Adi ( Are you insane) : But you just said you did. Why did you say so?

Me ( Did I say that ? ) : Ahem ahem .. I did say that because I thought ….that .. now it is the one in the middle. It is very breezy .. if you would just.

Adi (I have to get to the bottom of this issue) : What were you thinking mummy ?

….

After 10 minutes and 100 questions later .

I get up and switch off the fan. Yes , the one in the middle.

Meanwhile , up above the sky , God is feeling slightly more proud than he should be. If you ask me !

Thatsmyboy

 

 

How did scene 1 end in reality ? Don’t even get me started unless you are home and am watching TV and I need YOU to pass remote …

Grrrrrrr God ,

wehadadeal

 

PS: All images from google image search. Thank you letting me use!

Vegan friends , I feel your pain!

Scene : Dinner time , no chicken , no fish , not every egg. Okra fry and Indian bread. My life sucks!

Suddenly  , I feel a pain in my heart. OMG ! Am I having a heart attack?

My head tries to focus on food , trying best to relish it , but my heart has given up. So you see “the” heart attack.

This is how blabbing goes…

I have always felt pain and sorry for vegans. I mean , what do you get to eat as vegetarians? I see them jumping at paneer dish , craving for chole-batura.

Oh my ! What a pity …Have they ever tasted keema rolls??

Head : .. You seriously can’t be saying this ?  

No , no , I do. really. With all my heart , I feel for them. A good vegan food is an oxymoron.

Head: Oh C’ON , veggie is good.

I know I should not be saying this on a public post , I will get backlash from all my vegan fan following..Sign! Not to mention my vegan friends.

Head: fan? Do you mean the ceiling fan ….. ha ha ha I mean this is your best joke ever!

Ignoring head , he is a nut….

Head: You are confused again, I am you , your head. I cannot be He. Wrong pronoun lady. Again!

How can you be Me, you just advocated for vegans!

Head: You do know capsicum is your favourite. You like Began ka bharta and Aloo pitika is the best mashed potato in the world!

So, I have few favourite. But I cannot live on veg alone , I mean I need chicken , egg or fish.

My refrigerator needs protein , and so does my stomach.

My liver needs to filter some chicken soup and my eyes are looking out for surmai fish , covered with semolina , soaked in masala , ting of lemon juice,  cooked slowly on a pan with mustard oil . Aaah !

I hate my dinner . And my vegan friends , I will show some solidarity and be happy and jump at paneer butter masala , but my true love will always be ..

Head (to his fans   vegan fans ) : This is not my heart!

 

 

“Because of lower gravity, a person who weighs 100kg on earth would only weigh 38kg on the surface of Mars”

How I wish I could live , eat , sleep , drink on Earth , but check my weight only on Mars.

 

 

My son is smart , and am …

Scene: Adi , My 3.10-year-old boy playing with cars.

Trying to put 5 cars into a box that has the capacity to hold only 4. The box is the sleeping chamber for his selected cars.

Last week it was my lunch box. I kept waking up cars at morning rush hour to have my lunch pack into it instead. This week is better. It is his school pencil box.

Hmm, wonder why does he choose only the morning-rush boxes…Why does he like to do what is in my do-not-do-especially-in-busy-morning list??!

Kids  I tell you , knows all list except for mummy-approves-to-do-list!

Moving on , scene recap : Adi is playing with cars

I can clearly see the box cannot hold his black car.It is full . And he is trying for no reason.

Me : Adi , black car cannot go into the box. That box doesn’t have the place for it.

Adi : No mummy , the black car wants to go into the box and sleep.

Me : No beta  there is NO way the black car can sleep inside that box tonight.

Adi  takes one look at the black car , then his pencil box aka sleeping chamber, removes one red car from it and puts his black one inside.

Smiling , See , now the black car can sleep inside the box😀

Me : (floating with motherly love hormones kicking in , rendering everyone else on planet earth stupid and my son the smartest lad ever created since big bang)

Me (To son) : Yay .Yes, beta you did it!

Me( To husband , Grinning with proud) :See our son is soooo smart🙂

Husband : Yes he is smart. And  (evil laugh ) his mother dumb!

I hate you, husband! 

Egg is yummy , nice on tummy but comes from bummy , says my hubby!

Scene 1:

Me and Husband eating boiled egg-potato curry with steamed rice for dinner. Am in good mood. Even though egg is not fish , I consider anything that moves or has capacity to move , if not eaten in its embryonic state qualifies for a good dinner and happy stomach.

PS: Now that I have it written , it sounds kind of gross.. to eat living breathing creatures which could move, crawl or moan.

PPS :My head quickly throws above PS out of window and I strike it out.  

Anyways, Back to dinner.

HappyEggs

Egg is yummy and nice on tummy!

Scene 2 :
With happy stomach , we sat down with son to watch Ant bully -The movie.

Lucas the boy , sits to eat with his ant-friends what they call honeydew “treat”. Its a wobbly-dobbly green blob liquid. Lucas loved it and finishes it off quickly ,prompting an ant to ask if he wants more. Of-course he wants more. Its so tasty. It’s a treat ,

The ant turns around , happily places the bowl to collect more of the “treat” coming out of a caterpillar’s bottom.

Holy Lord , Lucas was eating caterpillar’s poop!

Me : Ewwwww , that is gross.. I can never ever have anything , however tasty it is ,coming out of any creature’s bottom!

Husband  Evil laughs for 5 minutes

After 5 minutes,  What do you think  ,where does egg come from ?

BadEgg

Egg is no yummy , comes from bummy , says my hubby

And the winner of The Best Birthday Gift from an Indian wife to her husband during Indian summer (Drum rolling…)

Time spent in making the elaborate birthday special dinner ,  his favorite actually , inside kitchen which unmistakably , miserably,  undeniably  , and indisputably  transforms into a hot furnace when mercury soars and bloody wind escapes to celebrate spring in west!

Happy Birthday Sweetie❤ . I made your favorite prawns.

 

 

Please “Bear” me

Thank you dear D for nominating me for something very different . Spirit of animal award. How cool is that ! Lots!

So, 5 facts about me.

  1. At 12 ,I tried to participate in school group dance , first time. But was kicked out because I could not shake my damn butt.I had stiff-butt syndrome. It just wont shake like Shakira. Since then, I never tried butt dancing on stage , but it hasn’t stopped me from dancing off-stage😉
  2. I hate summer , especially Indian summer. It’s sweaty and seriously hot. But I love Mango , yummy . It’s truly king of fruits.
  3. I have never been to spa. I wish to visit once.
  4. I would rather read synopsis on imdb, then sit through 2 hours of a movie. My husband refuses to let me have remote on the ground that I could read the movie I wanna see , but he really need to watch . Grrr..
  5.  I hate cooking , I just survive kitchen. I wish humans were like camels , who could go without food and water for many many days so I wouldn’t have to cook every damn day! Needless to say , I got a cook as soon as my salary allowed me the luxury. yay!

Now , my favorite part.

Q:If you were an animal, which animal would you be?

Bear, Definitely a Bear , hundred times : Bear. Bear in this life and the next one .

Why ? You bet  , at the end of this list ..all you would want is to be a Bear.

Please Bear me.

  1. So I can nap all winters , I mean all of the winters. No office , no get-ready-for school , no cooking , no washing , no laundry ..just months of pure bliss. Sleep time. I know , right ..why can’t we all be just bear!
  2. I wanna be Bear from Game Of Throne after the period of “Winter is coming” when winter has arrived ! Why ? See above silly.
  3. So I can eat fish , swim with fish , play with fish and be just plain good old fish eater. 6th fact- I love fish.
  4. There are stories around in google how bear passed out  after drinking beer. I need to do that .. that is in my bucket list. Get drunk once in life! To feel out of world and be free of head nodding “no” for every desire. So what’ stopping me? …. The taste and smell of alcohol is so nasty , I can’t go beyond a sip. Why can’t anyone get drunk eating fish with mango milk-shake! Right?
  5. I can feature in Masha and the Bear .. Oh How I love the series.
  6. I can be the Po in Kung-fu-Panda . Lady , those are an animated series .  Gawh .. Am sure there is a team of humans who did those animations , and they need an inspiration , they do study actual bear.  I could be the that one. Perform all stunt of Kung-fu while they are watching me and tirelessly capturing me in animate. And on the day of release hey see ..kung-fu-panda looks like me! 
  7.  So I can build up my fat and really do not ever ever worry about weight gain. Stomach isn’t flat , arms too big  , thighs are like 4 lane highways! Move over , come here fish. Lets make that stomach big round ball of fur !
  8. So I look so big that everyone is afraid  of me and I can terrorize anyone I want.

PS: Got to make list of people not to terrorize. Either you reader , like this post or send me a plate of fish with a dozen fresh mango to avoid being excluded from that list. You have been warned.

The last and interesting part ..Nominees.

Now this is really difficult for me. Each one in blogging community is so wonderful , it’s hard to name just 10. I love all I read .. So am gonna name the last 10 blogs I started following.

Spoken like true nut.

Garfield hug 

DocToPoet

Little voice 

this stuff is golden

This is my Life!

Days in Hell

Blog of Hammad Rais

A Hopelessly Wandering Mind

You are by no means obliged to participate, if you’d like to, have fun with it!:)

Rules:

Once you’re nominated add the photo to your blog.

Write a short (5 lines or more) description about yourself and what your blog means to you. Oh and if you were an animal, which animal would you be? (No buzzfeed answers please).

Nominate 10 bloggers for this award

Done. Please be Bear. We can hibernate together.Winter is coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I became a Doctor.

We watch House MD. Me and my husband. All season , all re-runs. I think we are addicted.

hmm, Sometimes over tea while watching re-run I ask him : Why do we watch House ?

What is it with this TV series, full of medical jargons we possibly would not understand without the english subtitle , not to mention annoying main character who is crippled,refuses to wear coat , preaches not to follow rules and thinks he is the Sherlock Holmes or worst God himself.
…. and what the hell is Dept of  Diagnostics anyways ? 

… and why does Dean of a prestigious hospital wears sexy , tight , plunging neckline dress everyday to office. Phew , the neckline , that tight skirt .  Hospital is hot. 

I can cure.

Me with ladies on an evening walk , ladies who are blessed to know nothing about House

Friend ( suddenly , trying to hold on to me, clearly in lot of pain) : I don’t know , I have this leg pain from past 2-3 days..wont go away… can we stop for a sec?

Me (guffawed .. like real loud big guffaw) :  Vicodin. Take vicodin.

All eyes on me , earth stopped at its course .. actually I felt everything stopped at its course  and every pair of eyes on me.Lady .. didnt you hear that.. she just said she is in pain .. she is your friend .. what’s with that laugh?! 

Me : I mean ..  .. Vicodin is pain killer. Take it.

vicodin
Pain , pain go away . Come again another day. Vicodin is here to stay😀

Friend : Eh , Is vicodin good?

Hell yes .. Breakfast of champions!

And there , normality was resumed. Earth continued its rotation and I thanked Dr House for saving my friendship.

People have symptoms..

Really , Miss goody. One who cares about water crisis , kids fighting in the garden,the stray cat, dog .. and then always after the party in  oh-i-care-so-much voice

How did she back go home .. I hope she got a drop ?

That is definitely a symptom . A cause of an underlying disease. No one , no human being with right set of DNA and grey matter can be THAT nice about, hell , every living being crawling , breathing on earth , air or wind.

Niceness is a symptom and she needs treatment. She does not know this yet.

Dr house can diagnose it, I could diagnose it.
Who knows .. next could be that she got a heart attack because the kid fell off the swing and got bruises.

I learned I could not be seeing what my eyes sees , hear what my ears heard or whats coming out or rather hoping to come out of son’s bum soon.

Night time.. eyes very very sleepy , lights off , head just about to rest on pillow ..

Son: Mummy potty .

I heard something , I saw son saying potty , holding on to his dear tushy and hubby dear taking him to bathroom and me sleeping . He said “Goodnight sweetie” . My eyes are closed , body relaxed. I have a wonderful loving husband .

Son (screaming ): Potty …!

Husband ( screaming ) : He wants to go to potty. Only with you ..

Me: what is happening .. I just saw you took him to bathroom.

Husband : Stop seeing things and take him to bathroom. He only wants to go with you ..

Aaaah , where the hell is my loving caring husband !  I hallunicated him ..

Evil bitch

Now , that is what I call a bitch. In real sense. A human bitch.I mean literally , physically , whole-heartily, emotionally , when-she-speak-ily , when-she-doesnt-speakily. She talks evil about everyone , spreads lies , gangs up and blah blah blah blah.

As you ,my intelligent reader species have understood  by now , I hate her  too ( too..?Yes I dont like Miss goody ) with my pure heart , lungs and kidney.

Symptom . Again.

She cant be THAT annoying . I mean look at her gorgeous figure .How can someone with such good looks can be such a snob..She needs help.

She definitely needs Dr House.

ugh-people
She is nice = symptom, She is evil = symptom, She is normal = deep rooted , difficult to detect symptom.

He doesn’t mean what he is saying..Everybody lies.

Husband at dinner table: I think this needs a bit of salt .Pass me salt , please.

Me : What (He is lying .. messing with my head , my your cooking skills , I should reply with an attitude Do-not-mess-with-me) : I think salt is just fine.

Husband: Pass me salt ..

Me: I know what you are trying to do. And I will not accept this. Everybody lies. You are a liar.

Husband (holly molly) : I do not need salt. Salt is just fine.
Me : Thanks Doctor House… I know now .. lies!

everybodylies
Salt is salt (source=google)

You are a Ninja warrior.

Move over doctors , MD , MBBS , MHDNS … I can solve any problem.

And you know what , lets do a differential diagonastic. I bet my doctor won’t even understand what does that mean. Who needs a doctor when we have a Doctor with capital D.

Problem :Pain in the leg

Do a brain biopsy and hit your leg at the same time . The brain cells that lights up when you hit your leg ..those are the one! Remove those nasty brain cells and leg pain will be gone forever. Trust me  , it works. Every third patient in a hospital needs brain biopsy.

Problem :Bad itching , or hiccups non-stop. Perhaps suffering from running nose ? running for a long time.

Must be Autoimmune disorder. Body’s immune system is turned against itself , so runny nose keeps running , itches keeps itching, hiccups won’t  stop. What the hell immune system is NOT doing. Tell doctor , I want to replace my immune system. It is faulty. Just get immune transplant.

Rest of all : Just take broad spectrum antibiotics and you will be covered from any tom,dick or harry disease.

Then there is always Vicodin.


 

Reader ,the intelligent species : Hey , This is such an insightful post.. Thank you so much.I feel like am a doctor now.

Me : Don’t thank me. Thanks House.

Reader ,the one-with-symptom  species :So, what’s next ? I want to be a serial killer. Do you watch Dexter?

Me : Dear , I also watch Law and Order , Castle and  Quantico!


 

PS: All images = from google.

PPS: My dear husband suggested House to write post . He is watching House now and have not read this post yet. Am sure he will agree or care to disagree. In either case , I will give him broad spectrum antibiotic to cure him of whatever he has.