Vegan friends , I feel your pain!

Scene : Dinner time , no chicken , no fish , not every egg. Okra fry and Indian bread. My life sucks!

Suddenly  , I feel a pain in my heart. OMG ! Am I having a heart attack?

My head tries to focus on food , trying best to relish it , but my heart has given up. So you see “the” heart attack.

This is how blabbing goes…

I have always felt pain and sorry for vegans. I mean , what do you get to eat as vegetarians? I see them jumping at paneer dish , craving for chole-batura.

Oh my ! What a pity …Have they ever tasted keema rolls??

Head : .. You seriously can’t be saying this ?  

No , no , I do. really. With all my heart , I feel for them. A good vegan food is an oxymoron.

Head: Oh C’ON , veggie is good.

I know I should not be saying this on a public post , I will get backlash from all my vegan fan following..Sign! Not to mention my vegan friends.

Head: fan? Do you mean the ceiling fan ….. ha ha ha I mean this is your best joke ever!

Ignoring head , he is a nut….

Head: You are confused again, I am you , your head. I cannot be He. Wrong pronoun lady. Again!

How can you be Me, you just advocated for vegans!

Head: You do know capsicum is your favourite. You like Began ka bharta and Aloo pitika is the best mashed potato in the world!

So, I have few favourite. But I cannot live on veg alone , I mean I need chicken , egg or fish.

My refrigerator needs protein , and so does my stomach.

My liver needs to filter some chicken soup and my eyes are looking out for surmai fish , covered with semolina , soaked in masala , ting of lemon juice,  cooked slowly on a pan with mustard oil . Aaah !

I hate my dinner . And my vegan friends , I will show some solidarity and be happy and jump at paneer butter masala , but my true love will always be ..

Head (to his fans   vegan fans ) : This is not my heart!

 

 

“Because of lower gravity, a person who weighs 100kg on earth would only weigh 38kg on the surface of Mars”

How I wish I could live , eat , sleep , drink on Earth , but check my weight only on Mars.

 

 

My son is smart , and am …

Scene: Adi , My 3.10-year-old boy playing with cars.

Trying to put 5 cars into a box that has the capacity to hold only 4. The box is the sleeping chamber for his selected cars.

Last week it was my lunch box. I kept waking up cars at morning rush hour to have my lunch pack into it instead. This week is better. It is his school pencil box.

Hmm, wonder why does he choose only the morning-rush boxes…Why does he like to do what is in my do-not-do-especially-in-busy-morning list??!

Kids  I tell you , knows all list except for mummy-approves-to-do-list!

Moving on , scene recap : Adi is playing with cars

I can clearly see the box cannot hold his black car.It is full . And he is trying for no reason.

Me : Adi , black car cannot go into the box. That box doesn’t have the place for it.

Adi : No mummy , the black car wants to go into the box and sleep.

Me : No beta  there is NO way the black car can sleep inside that box tonight.

Adi  takes one look at the black car , then his pencil box aka sleeping chamber, removes one red car from it and puts his black one inside.

Smiling , See , now the black car can sleep inside the box😀

Me : (floating with motherly love hormones kicking in , rendering everyone else on planet earth stupid and my son the smartest lad ever created since big bang)

Me (To son) : Yay .Yes, beta you did it!

Me( To husband , Grinning with proud) :See our son is soooo smart🙂

Husband : Yes he is smart. And  (evil laugh ) his mother dumb!

I hate you, husband! 

Egg is yummy , nice on tummy but comes from bummy , says my hubby!

Scene 1:

Me and Husband eating boiled egg-potato curry with steamed rice for dinner. Am in good mood. Even though egg is not fish , I consider anything that moves or has capacity to move , if not eaten in its embryonic state qualifies for a good dinner and happy stomach.

PS: Now that I have it written , it sounds kind of gross.. to eat living breathing creatures which could move, crawl or moan.

PPS :My head quickly throws above PS out of window and I strike it out.  

Anyways, Back to dinner.

HappyEggs

Egg is yummy and nice on tummy!

Scene 2 :
With happy stomach , we sat down with son to watch Ant bully -The movie.

Lucas the boy , sits to eat with his ant-friends what they call honeydew “treat”. Its a wobbly-dobbly green blob liquid. Lucas loved it and finishes it off quickly ,prompting an ant to ask if he wants more. Of-course he wants more. Its so tasty. It’s a treat ,

The ant turns around , happily places the bowl to collect more of the “treat” coming out of a caterpillar’s bottom.

Holy Lord , Lucas was eating caterpillar’s poop!

Me : Ewwwww , that is gross.. I can never ever have anything , however tasty it is ,coming out of any creature’s bottom!

Husband  Evil laughs for 5 minutes

After 5 minutes,  What do you think  ,where does egg come from ?

BadEgg

Egg is no yummy , comes from bummy , says my hubby

And the winner of The Best Birthday Gift from an Indian wife to her husband during Indian summer (Drum rolling…)

Time spent in making the elaborate birthday special dinner ,  his favorite actually , inside kitchen which unmistakably , miserably,  undeniably  , and indisputably  transforms into a hot furnace when mercury soars and bloody wind escapes to celebrate spring in west!

Happy Birthday Sweetie❤ . I made your favorite prawns.

 

 

Please “Bear” me

Thank you dear D for nominating me for something very different . Spirit of animal award. How cool is that ! Lots!

So, 5 facts about me.

  1. At 12 ,I tried to participate in school group dance , first time. But was kicked out because I could not shake my damn butt.I had stiff-butt syndrome. It just wont shake like Shakira. Since then, I never tried butt dancing on stage , but it hasn’t stopped me from dancing off-stage😉
  2. I hate summer , especially Indian summer. It’s sweaty and seriously hot. But I love Mango , yummy . It’s truly king of fruits.
  3. I have never been to spa. I wish to visit once.
  4. I would rather read synopsis on imdb, then sit through 2 hours of a movie. My husband refuses to let me have remote on the ground that I could read the movie I wanna see , but he really need to watch . Grrr..
  5.  I hate cooking , I just survive kitchen. I wish humans were like camels , who could go without food and water for many many days so I wouldn’t have to cook every damn day! Needless to say , I got a cook as soon as my salary allowed me the luxury. yay!

Now , my favorite part.

Q:If you were an animal, which animal would you be?

Bear, Definitely a Bear , hundred times : Bear. Bear in this life and the next one .

Why ? You bet  , at the end of this list ..all you would want is to be a Bear.

Please Bear me.

  1. So I can nap all winters , I mean all of the winters. No office , no get-ready-for school , no cooking , no washing , no laundry ..just months of pure bliss. Sleep time. I know , right ..why can’t we all be just bear!
  2. I wanna be Bear from Game Of Throne after the period of “Winter is coming” when winter has arrived ! Why ? See above silly.
  3. So I can eat fish , swim with fish , play with fish and be just plain good old fish eater. 6th fact- I love fish.
  4. There are stories around in google how bear passed out  after drinking beer. I need to do that .. that is in my bucket list. Get drunk once in life! To feel out of world and be free of head nodding “no” for every desire. So what’ stopping me? …. The taste and smell of alcohol is so nasty , I can’t go beyond a sip. Why can’t anyone get drunk eating fish with mango milk-shake! Right?
  5. I can feature in Masha and the Bear .. Oh How I love the series.
  6. I can be the Po in Kung-fu-Panda . Lady , those are an animated series .  Gawh .. Am sure there is a team of humans who did those animations , and they need an inspiration , they do study actual bear.  I could be the that one. Perform all stunt of Kung-fu while they are watching me and tirelessly capturing me in animate. And on the day of release hey see ..kung-fu-panda looks like me! 
  7.  So I can build up my fat and really do not ever ever worry about weight gain. Stomach isn’t flat , arms too big  , thighs are like 4 lane highways! Move over , come here fish. Lets make that stomach big round ball of fur !
  8. So I look so big that everyone is afraid  of me and I can terrorize anyone I want.

PS: Got to make list of people not to terrorize. Either you reader , like this post or send me a plate of fish with a dozen fresh mango to avoid being excluded from that list. You have been warned.

The last and interesting part ..Nominees.

Now this is really difficult for me. Each one in blogging community is so wonderful , it’s hard to name just 10. I love all I read .. So am gonna name the last 10 blogs I started following.

Spoken like true nut.

Garfield hug 

DocToPoet

Little voice 

this stuff is golden

This is my Life!

Days in Hell

Blog of Hammad Rais

A Hopelessly Wandering Mind

You are by no means obliged to participate, if you’d like to, have fun with it!:)

Rules:

Once you’re nominated add the photo to your blog.

Write a short (5 lines or more) description about yourself and what your blog means to you. Oh and if you were an animal, which animal would you be? (No buzzfeed answers please).

Nominate 10 bloggers for this award

Done. Please be Bear. We can hibernate together.Winter is coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I became a Doctor.

We watch House MD. Me and my husband. All season , all re-runs. I think we are addicted.

hmm, Sometimes over tea while watching re-run I ask him : Why do we watch House ?

What is it with this TV series, full of medical jargons we possibly would not understand without the english subtitle , not to mention annoying main character who is crippled,refuses to wear coat , preaches not to follow rules and thinks he is the Sherlock Holmes or worst God himself.
…. and what the hell is Dept of  Diagnostics anyways ? 

… and why does Dean of a prestigious hospital wears sexy , tight , plunging neckline dress everyday to office. Phew , the neckline , that tight skirt .  Hospital is hot. 

I can cure.

Me with ladies on an evening walk , ladies who are blessed to know nothing about House

Friend ( suddenly , trying to hold on to me, clearly in lot of pain) : I don’t know , I have this leg pain from past 2-3 days..wont go away… can we stop for a sec?

Me (guffawed .. like real loud big guffaw) :  Vicodin. Take vicodin.

All eyes on me , earth stopped at its course .. actually I felt everything stopped at its course  and every pair of eyes on me.Lady .. didnt you hear that.. she just said she is in pain .. she is your friend .. what’s with that laugh?! 

Me : I mean ..  .. Vicodin is pain killer. Take it.

vicodin
Pain , pain go away . Come again another day. Vicodin is here to stay😀

Friend : Eh , Is vicodin good?

Hell yes .. Breakfast of champions!

And there , normality was resumed. Earth continued its rotation and I thanked Dr House for saving my friendship.

People have symptoms..

Really , Miss goody. One who cares about water crisis , kids fighting in the garden,the stray cat, dog .. and then always after the party in  oh-i-care-so-much voice

How did she back go home .. I hope she got a drop ?

That is definitely a symptom . A cause of an underlying disease. No one , no human being with right set of DNA and grey matter can be THAT nice about, hell , every living being crawling , breathing on earth , air or wind.

Niceness is a symptom and she needs treatment. She does not know this yet.

Dr house can diagnose it, I could diagnose it.
Who knows .. next could be that she got a heart attack because the kid fell off the swing and got bruises.

I learned I could not be seeing what my eyes sees , hear what my ears heard or whats coming out or rather hoping to come out of son’s bum soon.

Night time.. eyes very very sleepy , lights off , head just about to rest on pillow ..

Son: Mummy potty .

I heard something , I saw son saying potty , holding on to his dear tushy and hubby dear taking him to bathroom and me sleeping . He said “Goodnight sweetie” . My eyes are closed , body relaxed. I have a wonderful loving husband .

Son (screaming ): Potty …!

Husband ( screaming ) : He wants to go to potty. Only with you ..

Me: what is happening .. I just saw you took him to bathroom.

Husband : Stop seeing things and take him to bathroom. He only wants to go with you ..

Aaaah , where the hell is my loving caring husband !  I hallunicated him ..

Evil bitch

Now , that is what I call a bitch. In real sense. A human bitch.I mean literally , physically , whole-heartily, emotionally , when-she-speak-ily , when-she-doesnt-speakily. She talks evil about everyone , spreads lies , gangs up and blah blah blah blah.

As you ,my intelligent reader species have understood  by now , I hate her  too ( too..?Yes I dont like Miss goody ) with my pure heart , lungs and kidney.

Symptom . Again.

She cant be THAT annoying . I mean look at her gorgeous figure .How can someone with such good looks can be such a snob..She needs help.

She definitely needs Dr House.

ugh-people
She is nice = symptom, She is evil = symptom, She is normal = deep rooted , difficult to detect symptom.

He doesn’t mean what he is saying..Everybody lies.

Husband at dinner table: I think this needs a bit of salt .Pass me salt , please.

Me : What (He is lying .. messing with my head , my your cooking skills , I should reply with an attitude Do-not-mess-with-me) : I think salt is just fine.

Husband: Pass me salt ..

Me: I know what you are trying to do. And I will not accept this. Everybody lies. You are a liar.

Husband (holly molly) : I do not need salt. Salt is just fine.
Me : Thanks Doctor House… I know now .. lies!

everybodylies
Salt is salt (source=google)

You are a Ninja warrior.

Move over doctors , MD , MBBS , MHDNS … I can solve any problem.

And you know what , lets do a differential diagonastic. I bet my doctor won’t even understand what does that mean. Who needs a doctor when we have a Doctor with capital D.

Problem :Pain in the leg

Do a brain biopsy and hit your leg at the same time . The brain cells that lights up when you hit your leg ..those are the one! Remove those nasty brain cells and leg pain will be gone forever. Trust me  , it works. Every third patient in a hospital needs brain biopsy.

Problem :Bad itching , or hiccups non-stop. Perhaps suffering from running nose ? running for a long time.

Must be Autoimmune disorder. Body’s immune system is turned against itself , so runny nose keeps running , itches keeps itching, hiccups won’t  stop. What the hell immune system is NOT doing. Tell doctor , I want to replace my immune system. It is faulty. Just get immune transplant.

Rest of all : Just take broad spectrum antibiotics and you will be covered from any tom,dick or harry disease.

Then there is always Vicodin.


 

Reader ,the intelligent species : Hey , This is such an insightful post.. Thank you so much.I feel like am a doctor now.

Me : Don’t thank me. Thanks House.

Reader ,the one-with-symptom  species :So, what’s next ? I want to be a serial killer. Do you watch Dexter?

Me : Dear , I also watch Law and Order , Castle and  Quantico!


 

PS: All images = from google.

PPS: My dear husband suggested House to write post . He is watching House now and have not read this post yet. Am sure he will agree or care to disagree. In either case , I will give him broad spectrum antibiotic to cure him of whatever he has.

 

I want twins …..sure?

2012:

We want twins . We always wanted twins. I have to do something may be eat 2 banana, eat 2 chapati .. everything in multiplication of 2.

Shall we ask doctor if it’s possible somehow ?

I read somewhere women who conceive after certain age are most likely to have twins. Shall we postpone ?

Oh , How I wish I have twins! Let’s check out cloning?

Me : Why can’t you teach your swimmers to join hands and end up in a draw ! .. I  really really wanna have twins..

Iwannatwins

 

But Alas , Life is not a freaking wish granting factory!

Doc , Are you sure .. look closely ..their might be another egg and sperm trying out ?

My sister has twins

Am so happy , at least someone has twins…she is so lucky!

sheislucky

My sister comes home with her year old twins named L and K

L sleeps at 2000 , K at 2300. L wakes up at 600  and K at 1000. Each child takes turn to wake up every 2 hours.

L likes cerelac for breakfast , K likes his meal less mushy. Two breakfasts.

L is playing with red car. K wants the very same red car at the very same moment. One screams , other is crazily happy seeing bro scream!

L pees , then K pees and then L poos and then K poos. And then L needs to pee again. And then it is bath time , one after another.

K is playing with his favorite toy when L wants mommy. Then contagiously K also wants mommy. Mommy wants to pee but who cares!

After  2 days , sister goes back with her twins.

Me , husband finally : Yay ! We do not have twins! 

thankgod
Google.

“Bach gaye”!

 

Tawang

I first read about Tawang in an in-flight magazine. It was one of the location in the list of 10 virgin places in the world.  A place , so beautiful , soclose to my home. I should visit it once. The dream is still a dream😦

But , my husband is lucky. He should be , he has me as his wife🙂

He is also lucky because he got chance to explore this virgin place , on his Thuderbird. Deal was that he drops me and my son off at my parent’s house , stay with us for customary 2 days and then proceed to his freedom for 5 days on his Royal Enfield Thuderbird , And Boy! He did enjoy his freedom at paradise.

Tawang is at Arunachal Pradesh , my sister state. It is about 500 km from Guwahati. Won’t say much , will just let the pics do the talking..

Welcome to Tawang and enjoy!

IMG_4461

I love the colors, just look at the canvas…

IMG_4440

That lucky bird .. !

IMG_4391selapass

The frozon lake, partially.

IMG_4471IMG_4484

Mountain dogs .. six feet under!

 

IMG_4419

This road is so inviting .. isnt it. Just keep swimming..

 

 

Frozon Sela pass , some 4170 meters sela_frozen_lake

Icy cold water…

ice_cold_water

Road to the mountains..

IMG_4415

Don’t you wish you were born here …? Hell , I wont mind if I die here..

Wedding and cross connected brain..

I attended a wedding, a fulguri wedding , a small  awesome in distinctive village where I spend 15 days every year.
Didn’t get an invitation , They invited my parents before I arrived , now are too busy arranging for big event to send a word out for me but who care’s for an invitation. It was my nephew’s wedding. That translates to wedding in family , must attend.

Wedding was at next village , actually 3rd next. Assamesse have big yards, plenty of space to carry out an event as big as wedding. The house is surrounded 3 sides by paddy fields , no street light and in-frequent commutation. It gets pitch dark at 6 in evening or 3 during winter and someday and sometimes walking is the only way to reach.
I do not know what kind of picture you get from that one line , but (with a dramatic effect) I Love that description , There is no way anyone can stop me from visiting it even  if it means gate crashing a wedding.

And wedding means fish. Not that am sucker for fish(he he he evil laugh). But I also like the mixed veg curry , sometimes accompanied by tok -the ultimate tomato chutney served on banana leaf or rather it’s stem .

This is on the way to their home. Unfortunately I was so engaged during wedding , it didn’t dawn on me to take photos until I was back home to write post about it. Aaaah

ontheway

But finally , I didn’t have to gate crash wedding, coz I was invited by at least 3-4 family relatives. To think of it now , who-ever saw me that morning , asked me to go. They were perhaps wondering I will skip it coz I wasnt invited. They do not know about my love for fish and that I was feeling special. The mother of the groom sent a message with my brother.  eeespecially for me.

I thought I will spend only an hour.  I dressed in my 3 year old peacock blue sari. I think it should be a unique color , not-in-vague considering its almost 4 years old. My head pictured everyone saying  wow-that’s-a-different color sari. In the end me , my son , ma and pa loaded into car and reached the venue. My eyes were surely happy , green is my favorite.

ontheway1

Mother of groom was happy to see me.She is my cousin. This was her son’s wedding. All my cousin’s , spouse , kids ..were there..Aunts /Uncle’s . Senior , Juniors. Newly wed.
I met all of them , I mean ALL of my paternal relatives . I met many after decades. I realized the awkward shy kids are not kids anymore , but young , pierced-ear , SUV driving lads and glads!
Wow .. All of them beautiful and the chit chat. They were curious about me and I about their life.

I met A’s kids – 2 girls and 1 boy. Boy with crew cut and pretty girls .
I met C’s kids – One was wearing nice dress and the other one in Indian traditional dress.
I already know N’s son.  I met him at home. Shy , but big boy.

I returned many smiles and hellos thinking very very very well that this hello face is one of my close relative but no idea who she/he was. I was so damn happy that I do not need to address all of them by name , just “Boa” or Dada!
I met B’s husband. Both are skinny. Match made in heaven.
I tried to memorized where they live , what they do.
All of them , A to Z invited me to come to their place. I said I will try. One said I can come with Kobi , another said I can drive with Dhoney.

Am sure you are bored of reading this , but I wanna tell you
1. That’s why the Indian population is touching a billion. My father are 8 bro and 2 sis. I            have 8 cousins from only one uncle. Others- dont get me started.
2. Am not that old even though am an aunt and the fact is am at my nephew’s wedding.             Pa’s eldest brother’s eldest son is about his age. Both got married about the same                    time…
3.Am so so happy to see so many so many of my relatives… I can imagine my family tree. Huge wide banyan tree.

An hour was already gone and I was still there.I looked around the surrounding.  Wind was flowing in and out non stop and am pretty sure they never ever need air conditioning here.

Wedding is a day-night event here. Come for lunch ,have some snacks anytime of day and leave after dinner. After lunch, we decided to visit another cousin living across the paddy field. . She was also at the wedding. She invited a bunch. I wondered how we are gonna go. SUV kid was there with his SUV. He could drive us. Seeing the crowd and playing safe, I took the seat next to driver. The back seat was filling up soon and very soon it was jam-packed, Then someone suggested that I could fit in one more person with me and a kid. God has plans to outdone mine.

ontheway2

It was getting dark and finally time to go home. Am sure I was smiling all the day back home , re-playing chats and events of the day.

After the wedding.

  1. My brain now knows all relatives , their spouse and kids.
  2. But everything is cross connected🙂
  3. Was it A  who had  2 girls and a boy or 2 boys and a girl?
  4. Who asked me to come to place with Kobi and which one mentioned to drive with Dhoney? Where the hell do they live!
  5. Fun fact -every third lady was wearing peacock blue. Turned out the fashion of color blue was back after 4 years!

And the best thing. I got the best part of the fish in meal and they served the tomato chutney.

Writing this today , a week since the event, I do not remember any of spouse or kids name. If only there was a wedding in family every vacation every year making us the largest Banyan tree!