I refuse to bow down to any allegation that I could be insidiously annoying this time of the month. I can prove that in none of the conversations, meetings or personal interactions I had this month, I was eating anyone’s brain.
“Oh my god, Am just out from a meeting with H and She was eating my brain over blah blah.”
Nope! That is a lie.
Am a perfect girl this season. One who is suddenly always a great listener, appreciative, conversationalist, never blah blah blahs. I just cannot annoy anyone. For instance, WordPress is saying I have spam comments and I love these comments but it is all spam, I would not want them to be spam, but it is what it is and WordPress is shielding me,helping me and am not complaining…only hoping that someone selling cheap low Viagra online is also a veracious reader who while enhancing life surfs WordPress and comments on my post “Grade A stuff. I’m unquestionably in your debt.” And instead of clicking on “Empty Spam” because WordPress says it is a spam , I bask in that “Grade A, huh .. I must be good“.
Where am I going with all this? Am not eating anyone’s brain…..I cannot be.
(Coughing) Sorry can’t type anymore .. I think I have some part of your brain stuck in my throat.
(Spitting out) But I cannot eat it .. am fasting. Roza.
Girls. If I call them ladies, they might be offended 😉
Salad, only vegetarian like beet, cucumber, sprouts, broccoli .. blah blah. Most of them are vegetarian.I can hardly look at it.
At this point, I imagine many of my readers are offended – Hira, Veg-Salad is also as good as meat.
That’s a lie. And that’s a fact.
PS: I have a confession. I cannot leave any chance to take a dig at my vegetarian friends – on their face, on my blog, in my head (look at them being so excited about rajma-chawla. crazy!). I know I need to see a therapist, a vegetarian one. With a meat eating therapist, we might make more jokes….
“And then he ordered vegetarian biryani, ha ha ha” Pic source- Pixabay.
Come to think of it – I eat chicken, but they, the vegetarians eat the food that was meant for the hen and its family. Food that was to nourish other grass-eating animals. Where is the humanity when you snatch that food out of their plate into yours?
At least, am eating my food. Not others.
Now the counter argument could be how could I be better when I EAT chicken. That sounds even gross than eating the food they eat.
Let’s hear another fact. I eat chicken and fish. So I can only state about chicken and fish. And, I do not consider egg and milk as non-veg, just like many of my vegetarian friends.
“All chicken, all of them are born to be chicken curry or chicken fry or chicken roast blah blah. Chicken is not born to live the life to fullest.They serve a purpose, fulfill their destiny, now it’s time to be fried! By eating chicken, am just playing my part in the larger play of life.Chicken’s life.”
“As for fish, once they are out of the water, certainly cannot survive. I might as well eat to recycle the protein content. I mean, I cannot see food waste.”
Back to original conversation starter-
Girls at my office eat only salad for lunch.
If weight loss is in agenda, I wonder if they have noticed how Cows, Buffalo, Elephants are as compared to meat eating- Cheetah, Panther, Leopard? Hint: size. Pic source- Pixabay.
This eats only grass, just like you.
This eats meat and just look at that perfect figure, slender waist, lean legs and don’t get me started on stamina!
Moral of the post.
Follow cheetah’s diet if you wanna lose weight. Not elephant’s.
Click on one of these and receive a plate full of fish fry. I promise.
At the office, my colleague AbhiSwami started an online chat with three of us. Him, me and SatyaSwami.
AbhiSwami : Hi
Me : Hello
AbhiSwami : Can we meet now to discuss the issue ..blah-blah-blah?
Me : sure, now?
SatyaSwami : Give me 10 minutes.
AbhiSwami : Ok
Me My Head:
“Give me 10 minutes” *pondering*, So what exactly is SatyaSwami implying?
Is it that to discuss the issue, he demand that both of us give him 10 minutes of (stress on next word) OUR time ( I capitalized it just so you see where am going) which will yield HIM 20 minutes of …..time, to be precise, my time. Did you see what he is doing? Blackmail ..In clear text, in broad daylight, at office?!? WTH SatyaSwami!
Chill lady head!
That could be the beginning of something fun. Hey! I have 20 minutes, got it from my colleagues.Sounds like you have wonderful colleagues….
So now that it is implied that AbhiSwami will give him his next 10 minutes, how will he give him that? Stand next to him. Sleep for next 10 minutes, so that SatyaSwami can do whatever he wanted to do without his colleague hovering over his shoulder “Take my 10 minutes”. Should I go join AbhiSwami *realizing he doesn’t know all this yet, certainly this is in my head*, Should I tell him Let’s go and give our time to SatyaSwami? He asked for it “Give me 10 minutes” and it is certainly no blackmail. I have pondered.
Interesting, So is “time” a commodity now? How shall I order it? Boy! Give me a cord, a butterbutcher butter knife, a hand glove, 100mg chloroform, a big gunny sack …. and a pack of 30 minutes?
*Pondering* What shall I do with this extra time and all the stuff along in my order?
Ummm, Why is it green in color ? Oh yes , it has Green Palak.The consistency looks good , not too watery or hard solid. The smell , hmm was good then, but now …
Could you guess the dish am inspecting … Palak panner or Green Thai curry ?
Palak paneer , ofcourse . Nothing beats an indian dish.
After it has come to the end of it’s journey ,which is out of my son’s bum with rest of his potty.
Am happily inspecting his poop.
Head : ewww , yukky …potty from bum?
Yes, he says “Potty comes out of bum” , I think its cute , so wont correct him ever!
So, How did this poop inspection began?
I sometimes look at my poop to see how does a healthy poop looks like , I look closely at his red color poop to see if its beetroot red or blood red .. or worst I might even someday be tempted…
Head : Stop ! I think you have made your point waaaaaaaay too clear about poop inspection!
I can never get tired of looking at it, inspecting it , Not until the day he is old enough to shut me out from poop inspection.
OMG! What have I become ??!
Once upon a time!
Once upon a time , life was good ,mind and body balance. I had perfect set of hormones .
Head :C’on …Why blames hormones for this ?
Well, what else can explain how I , from a happy , normal person turned into this crazy , lame guilty mother.
Hormones , am sure of it ! plenty of it!
Head : Aha , Who was crying , whining for “I want a baby!”
That’s the first hormone , which pumps out saying “Lets have a baby!”. Now why can’t baby making be a simple procedure of “pressing a button” instead of drilling , leaking and aah , the pain !
Head: WHAT, pressing a button ?! Are you sure …
* louder* Can you not imagine if it was just a button ? WOMAN ! DO YOU NOT LIVE IN INDIA??? Don’t you have enough neighbor?
Alright , ummm… take a notch down ..Lets not get into detail, shall we..?
Bringing up a child, will completely change you , in every sense. You, your home and your life roadmap. Perhaps it’s result from the metathesis of hormones that a mother could do things never imagined capable of ……She will have all the patience of galaxy loaded with all the guilt of milky way….am never doing enough. I should have finished this early and go home to co-conspirator and his cute son!
Head : So , husband is conspirator ? What did he do ? You were the one crying….
Of course , husband is responsible for getting me into this , for supporting me in everything .. in sun or rain , drilling and pain!
Why didn’t he tell me that I would change so much that my lungs will pump blood !
Head : The word is oxygen sweetie , Your lung cannot pump blood.
Just raise a child and well , lung will be so busy pumping , that it doesn’t matter what the hell is being pumped – just pump oxygen or blood.. Heart is over-whelmed , nervous , confused and hyperventilating from all cuteness and responsibility around .. that it can’t pump enough.
Change is inevitable and motherhood is a crazy change in lifestyle.
Before you realize , you are anticipating his poop to be of perfect size consistency , more than what you expect your new blouse to fit in.
Head : poop again! , snap out of it ,will you ?
Okay. Point noted. No more poop talk.
Can we talk about fart ?
Adi, my son is a parrot , repeats after me all the time , so no cuss words and can’t even call stupidest things stupid in front of him. But one thing I learned hard way- Do NOT ever ever ever do what you don’t want him to do in public.
Don’t pick your nose , that’s gross. ultra gross.
Don’t fart …..Pleassse.
Head : Weren’t you the one who taught him BOTH at the first place???
well, Of course he learned it all eventually, from the only one time I tried to pick his nose ..
In my defense , I was cleaning his running nose before going to bed so he can sleep better and his fingers are more suited than mine .. Believe me, I have balloon fingers and am lazy to get up for hanky!
Head : WTH! You practically led his hands into nose and showed him to pick the .. and were even proud about it!
Hell Yes! I have tried to teach him many other things approved by civilized society , but he never ever learns those in one shot. This ..nose picking. How the hell would I know that he will master it in one night ?
So that’s the thing , when I least want son to notice , he will put all his focus in that and sometimes even when am blowing drum in front of him ,would ignore. Hide something I wish Adi never ever finds out and he gets it the next minute.You think you were discreet enough , fast like bolt? Too late , he saw it already it, labelled it as “Mummy doesn’t want me to see” and added it to must-be-good check-it-out list.
Head : and what about farting ….
What about it ? C’on that’s human , At least , I taught him to say Sorry! He farts , we laugh , giggle and say out loud Sorrrrrrrryyyyy ! That counts as bonding time between mother and son?
In my defense ,this I believe must be those uncivilized hormones talking which were suppressed since beginning of no-fart-in-public civilization!
What else ?
I can easily sustain prolong exposure to insanity , doing the same thing over and over again without flinching. Adi : Mummy , This is your green car , this is my red car.Lets race !
After 30 minutes:
Adi: Mummy * utho na, wake up * This is your green car , this is my red car.Lets race !
I could do things without actually doing it , at least I didn’t realize my hands are racing again with green car.. I stopped noticing ..It is a routine hands know very well , why do I need to focus my head there ..
OMG , am I a zombie now?
I can play car race , howl like wolf , roar like lions and be a big bad dino for an hour straight without even noticing that am actually a human.
I have lost so many races,fights to him that now I can win race for slowest contender! I earn his laughter.
Everything in my head begins with “Start your engine” and ends with ” Yay!Adi first !”.
Need for speed , Turbo , Bolt Lighting Mc Queen .. definitely triggers something in me when am on my red swish scooter , managing a speed of just 40 miles and I accelerate.. think speed , think 238 miles or worst think crash!
Adi is a typical 3 year old boy , In love with car , bike , trucks , animals …big animals, Dino ! If he were a girl, I guess I would be playing dolls for an hour straight .. umm…., that would have been nice . at least its just sitting at one place not crashing , running around.
Head : Do you want another …..bwwwaah ..second could be a girl.
I will ignore that comment from head.. He shuts down when all game begins..sees no use in doing routine, feels no pain.
Head : He ??! louder Why am I male ? am your head, inside you on top floor woman ! picture me as super hot sexy model , female !
Ignore that one too , how can my head ALONE be super sexy when the rest after child delivery could not go back to its glorious days of size S.
Ignoring and moving ahead ..
Am hypnotized by my 3 year old son…
I love his voice , he has cutest voice of a 3 year old. But nobody was there to tell me this .. I suffered , am still suffering.
Do not, I repeat Do NOT go by the voice , listen to what he is saying..try avoid to look into eyes.. The cuteness is a way of hypnotize mother!! I know , I am.. am completely mesmerized when he asks he something with those eyes and that voice , and I turn stupid ..
In my experience, these are the 2 words to look out for warning signals..
Baad main = Later.
This is even more powerful than legendary “No” . He isn’t refusing to do , he is simply delaying… and that later never comes! Me : Adi , Its time for homework. Adi : Mummy baad mein
Me : Adi , dinner time. Adi : baad mein , now playtime.
He is not asking for more , he is only asking for the last one.. Adi : Mummy I want chocolate. Me : Adi , you just had one before meal. Adi : Mummy , one last . Just last one…
Now when he says this , my heart is overloaded and lungs start pumping. Head : hmm and you oblige by giving him last chocolate the nth time..?
In my defence , am hypnotised by his voice , by his eyes , by his demand! Just because he is such a darling ❤ and am such lame 😦
I wonder if he will ever use these words in right way ever?
Me : Adi , Do you want chocolate?
Adi : No Mummy baad mein…
I often wonder , discuss it with husband .. Does he know the effect of his cuteness on me ? What should I name this one hormone?
Head : i-am-moron hormone ???
Will you stop running and pose for camera?
look at me Adi , Look at the camera
Not so close sweetie 🙂
As a mother , the one compliant which is omnipresent – My son isn’t eating enough. Am not just saying .. I know for fact.. he doesn’t. Food is not important in life of a 3 year old. What can you do?
Something which sometimes work .. is fake it , you show you love it , he will follow the suit! My kid love all pomp pomp , announcement and declaration of love!
So food is not just food , but with a 100 watts excitement , “wow, aaj ka nashta pasta“. Pasta got his attention , at least I will have successful breakfast!
You can find me like a jumping fox with a plate of just plain rice and dal. Every meal should be a discovery , exciting , else son has no interest in what otherwise is very important for living , next only to breathing..
One of these days I forget “not” to be excited and Me : Sweetie , * with 100 volts excitement and all white* Your favorite breakfast – Poha and chai! Husband : Sweetie , Its the same old dish my mother made and her mother before that and ..perhaps goes back to the time of Adam Eve! Whats so exciting??
Am lame , but at least am excited about being lame 😉
Well , there are some good things too ..
My general knowledge has increased two folds , I know all kinds of truck types and cars… I know 5 wild animals and 5 domestic animals , know all the good habits. Do you know all the poems in the world , one where humpty fell down , or bus goes around or clap clap clap ?
I can sleep with eyes open , when it’s my nap time and his play time !
Now I now … know-thee-all hormone.
There is always a trick up his sleeve..put him in any place , he is never bored , will find something amusing.
He will do things with perfection – open the jar , take a chocolate and close it tight. My usual steps are – Open the jar , take a chocolate and full stop.
Just when I realize that my son could play independently and I could do other things , comes the phase of Q&A’s – Why series…
Adi : Mummy what are you doing ? Me : cleaning the floor. Adi : Why are you cleaning the floor? Me : because its dirty. Adi : Why is it dirty ? Me : coz I spilled water. Adi : Why did you spill water? Me : I wasnt looking straight and the glass of water fell….. * Here I restrain myself from using any cuss words Adi: Why were you not looking straight. Me : Because I was looking at TV. Adi :Why were…. Me :Sending SOS signals to husband* Sweetie .. help me!
Sometimes I wonder if he even interested in my answers , or just picks up words , add a What or why and create the next question.
some days its “what will happen” series – Mummy what will happen if I eat chocolate , if I don’t bath , If I throw …
My housemaid is starting to avoid my son when he gets into Q&A mode…I cant do that..Can I ?
My perspective changed, am not the same …
Now an ant , isn’t just an ant doing the hard work and let it do the hard work. Smash! It’s a bloody ant , can bite Adi and must be killed!
I can laugh over silly things , coz his laugh is infectious , it spreads even when he isn’t around. Be excited about stupid things. A dog isn’t just a dog but “Mummy Cute dog na”? Everything is cute in his world.
Now this is the deadliest one , coz this will makes my son look like the cutest smartest , handsome with a million dollar smile , twinkle in eye 3-year-old boy living on planet earth. And when love hormone is released ,he can absolutely demand and say anything and I will oblige.
Head : This is happening way too frequently these days .. control your senses. How can you give him chocolate when he hasn’t finished his homework.
Did you see his eyes when he was asking for chocolates ? Do you know how much he makes me happy just being him .. jumping , screaming , running , smiling ..laughing and asking for chocolate?
My son will have chocolate !
And with that all the hormones are released in my body!
Click on one of these and receive a plate full of fish fry. I promise.