I refuse to bow down to any allegation that I could be insidiously annoying this time of the month. I can prove that in none of the conversations, meetings or personal interactions I had this month, I was eating anyone’s brain.
“Oh my god, Am just out from a meeting with H and She was eating my brain over blah blah.”
Nope! That is a lie.
Am a perfect girl this season. One who is suddenly always a great listener, appreciative, conversationalist, never blah blah blahs. I just cannot annoy anyone. For instance, WordPress is saying I have spam comments and I love these comments but it is all spam, I would not want them to be spam, but it is what it is and WordPress is shielding me,helping me and am not complaining…only hoping that someone selling cheap low Viagra online is also a veracious reader who while enhancing life surfs WordPress and comments on my post “Grade A stuff. I’m unquestionably in your debt.” And instead of clicking on “Empty Spam” because WordPress says it is a spam , I bask in that “Grade A, huh .. I must be good“.
Where am I going with all this? Am not eating anyone’s brain…..I cannot be.
(Coughing) Sorry can’t type anymore .. I think I have some part of your brain stuck in my throat.
(Spitting out) But I cannot eat it .. am fasting. Roza.
I have been thinking after reading numerous wishes I have received in last 24 hours. Everyone suddenly seems to be sincerely wishing me love, peace, happiness, and prosperity for the new year ahead. Are you listening to all this Universe – You have got a job to do!
Hmm, Something tells me that love, peace, happiness .. is all perspective. God will be confused, he She has no time to read between lines, and given the amount of request perhaps it would be better if my friends could send me wishes, telling exactly what to do. Anything could go wrong in sending love,peace and happiness my way!
God: Hmm, Someone sent her happiness – So should I send a puppy or give a flat tummy? Hell .. I have got plenty to do ..let’s just send her a puppy.
Noooooooooooooo ! It’s the other one lady!
To all my wonderful readers, visitor, bloggers, followers, if you have not send any wishes, read and you will know what you have say. Be precise 😉
On top of my list, and that of everyone else
“May you get a waistline that will fit you into size XS, S(Alright, I will be practical) M size!”
Head: Something tells me this will be wish of 90% of people of ladies on planet earth, which might be too much for God to handle and also that am writing this very late, I might be already at the bottom of wish list, but I could certainly outwit if everyone wishes me this, certainly the number of messages counts ! See there are lots of these waistline messages, let’s just do it and get the hell out of her list.
May your dinner plate have a constant supply of chicken, mutton keema, and pan fried spice wrapped fish fry, and on the days when dinner looks green and veggie, the universal-power-of-meat magically turns every veg mouth-full into chicken-curry/fish-fry mouth-full!
May you get super-eyes that can burn your calories just by “looking” at the person running on the treadmill. Just a stare and there 100 calories gone! Evil laugh
May your husband learns to put the SUPER WET towel on the clothesline, NOT, definitely NOT on the bed.
May your son learns to keep his mouth shut during poo, I swear I do not find his Look mummy, that is bada(fat) potty, this is chota(small) potty talks cute anymore!
May you win a lotto to visit Venice and a wonderful nanny to take care of your son at home (definitely not with you), while you and husband live your dream of Gondola ride where you are singing at the top of voice THE song that made you fall in love with Venice!
May your husband shaves his beard every day, each and every of 365 days ahead, such that it no more render half of his face area useless, giving him a powerful weaponry to annoy me just by brushing it off my face whenever I plan to annoy him and he wants to scare me away. Trust me, you do not want to feel those little prickly hair monster and loose a game of I-can-outsmart-you with your partner.
May you get to walk in the rain, under the umbrella, big enough to hold you and your husband together, but small to keep you both close. AFTER he has put his towel on the clothesline and shaved his beard.
May you never hold onto the feeling of I need to pee immediately outside the bathroom door contemplating if it would be rude to knock while some lady is possibly just looking through her facebook feeds and planning her next selfie – a pout with beauty mode ON to make her skin glowing like a light bulb.
May the days and nights of the weekend be longer than weekdays. And that your days be filled with absolutely nothing but a bed and pillow.If that is a subject, then be the subject matter expert in it.
May WordPress gives you a free domain! Yay!
And as for new year resolution, I have tried , revised and finally made peace with what Calvin says.
Click on one of these and receive a plate full of fish fry. I promise.
We watch House MD. Me and my husband. All season , all re-runs. I think we are addicted.
hmm, Sometimes over tea while watching re-run I ask him : Why do we watch House ?
What is it with this TV series, full of medical jargons we possibly would not understand without the english subtitle , not to mention annoying main character who is crippled,refuses to wear coat , preaches not to follow rules and thinks he is the Sherlock Holmes or worst God himself. …. and what the hell is Dept of Diagnostics anyways ?
… and why does Dean of a prestigious hospital wears sexy , tight , plunging neckline dress everyday to office. Phew , the neckline , that tight skirt . Hospital is hot.
I can cure.
Me with ladies on an evening walk , ladies who are blessed to know nothing about House
Friend ( suddenly , trying to hold on to me, clearly in lot of pain) : I don’t know , I have this leg pain from past 2-3 days..wont go away… can we stop for a sec?
Me (guffawed .. like real loud big guffaw) : Vicodin. Take vicodin.
All eyes on me , earth stopped at its course .. actually I felt everything stopped at its course and every pair of eyes on me.Lady .. didnt you hear that.. she just said she is in pain .. she is your friend .. what’s with that laugh?!
Me : I mean .. .. Vicodin is pain killer. Take it.
Friend : Eh , Is vicodin good?
Hell yes .. Breakfast of champions!
And there , normality was resumed. Earth continued its rotation and I thanked Dr House for saving my friendship.
People have symptoms..
Really , Miss goody. One who cares about water crisis , kids fighting in the garden,the stray cat, dog .. and then always after the party in oh-i-care-so-much voice
How did she back go home .. I hope she got a drop ?
That is definitely a symptom . A cause of an underlying disease. No one , no human being with right set of DNA and grey matter can be THAT nice about, hell , every living being crawling , breathing on earth , air or wind.
Niceness is a symptom and she needs treatment. She does not know this yet.
Dr house can diagnose it, I could diagnose it.
Who knows .. next could be that she got a heart attack because the kid fell off the swing and got bruises.
I learned I could not be seeing what my eyes sees , hear what my ears heard or whats coming out or rather hoping to come out of son’s bum soon.
Night time.. eyes very very sleepy , lights off , head just about to rest on pillow ..
Son: Mummy potty .
I heard something , I saw son saying potty , holding on to his dear tushy and hubby dear taking him to bathroom and me sleeping . He said “Goodnight sweetie” . My eyes are closed , body relaxed. I have a wonderful loving husband .
Son (screaming ): Potty …!
Husband ( screaming ) : He wants to go to potty. Only with you ..
Me: what is happening .. I just saw you took him to bathroom.
Husband : Stop seeing things and take him to bathroom. He only wants to go with you ..
Aaaah , where the hell is my loving caring husband ! I hallunicated him ..
Now , that is what I call a bitch. In real sense. A human bitch.I mean literally , physically , whole-heartily, emotionally , when-she-speak-ily , when-she-doesnt-speakily. She talks evil about everyone , spreads lies , gangs up and blah blah blah blah.
As you ,my intelligent reader species have understood by now , I hate her too ( too..?Yes I dont like Miss goody ) with my pure heart , lungs and kidney.
Symptom . Again.
She cant be THAT annoying . I mean look at her gorgeous figure .How can someone with such good looks can be such a snob..She needs help.
She definitely needs Dr House.
He doesn’t mean what he is saying..Everybody lies.
Husband at dinner table: I think this needs a bit of salt .Pass me salt , please.
Me : What (He is lying .. messing with my head , my your cooking skills , I should reply with an attitude Do-not-mess-with-me) : I think salt is just fine.
Husband: Pass me salt ..
Me: I know what you are trying to do. And I will not accept this. Everybody lies. You are a liar.
Husband (holly molly) : I do not need salt. Salt is just fine.
Me : Thanks Doctor House… I know now .. lies!
You are a Ninja warrior.
Move over doctors , MD , MBBS , MHDNS … I can solve any problem.
And you know what , lets do a differential diagonastic. I bet my doctor won’t even understand what does that mean. Who needs a doctor when we have a Doctor with capital D.
Problem :Pain in the leg
Do a brain biopsy and hit your leg at the same time . The brain cells that lights up when you hit your leg ..those are the one! Remove those nasty brain cells and leg pain will be gone forever. Trust me , it works. Every third patient in a hospital needs brain biopsy.
Problem :Bad itching , or hiccups non-stop. Perhaps suffering from running nose ? running for a long time.
Must be Autoimmune disorder. Body’s immune system is turned against itself , so runny nose keeps running , itches keeps itching, hiccups won’t stop. What the hell immune system is NOT doing. Tell doctor , I want to replace my immune system. It is faulty. Just get immune transplant.
Rest of all : Just take broad spectrum antibiotics and you will be covered from any tom,dick or harry disease.
Then there is always Vicodin.
Reader ,the intelligent species : Hey , This is such an insightful post.. Thank you so much.I feel like am a doctor now.
Reader ,the one-with-symptom species :So, what’s next ? I want to be a serial killer. Do you watch Dexter?
Me : Dear , I also watch Law and Order , Castle and Quantico!
PS: All images = from google.
PPS: My dear husband suggested House to write post . He is watching House now and have not read this post yet. Am sure he will agree or care to disagree. In either case , I will give him broad spectrum antibiotic to cure him of whatever he has.
Click on one of these and receive a plate full of fish fry. I promise.