A trip to the highest motorable road in the world!

Not by me.I prefer airlines, airports, long waits but no long drives. Guess am more of a destination person than the journey.

Anyhow, what I don’t do, my husband does. I think he knows I won’t come, and hence THE PLAN. A trip on his Royal Enfield Thunderbird to the world’s highest motorable road

Husband: Let’s go to Leh on our bike…

Me : No way, am not coming. 

Husband (sounding sad): okay, guess I will have to go ALONE then. I was planning for 15 days, have booked my tickets to Delhi already. 

He must be dancing in his head, away from home for 15 days in the mountains with his precious Thunderbird! Did I hear his humming already?

Whatever. Am still not a destination person. Plus someone has to take care of 5-year-old little super-hero at home. Leh is seriously beautiful and we have visited it together in our honeymoon. Huge mountains, beautiful landscape and lovely people.

See for yourself.  Isn’t it awesome?

 

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I have to pee. And then how I became friends with my bladder.

For a really long time, I hated my bladder. I had my reasons.

My bladder is too small. Tiny Winy. I have not X-Rayed, measured or seen its capacity, but I know. Either that or it simply doesn’t do what it is supposed to do.. what a waste of space.  That too, Inside me.

Why am I sizing up my bladder, why does anything make me hate a part of me?

Reasons

Am going for a meeting in like anytime now – I have to pee. The meeting is over – I have to pee.

I end my day at the office, but before starting home- I have to pee. In fifteen minutes, I reach home- I put my keys in the keyhole and rush I have to pee.

We are going out, am checking everything that should be checked when we are going out because my husband is too lazy to do it, post for some other day how-to-survive-lazy-husband and point for this post, as the last thing I check- THEN I have to pee.

I just closed the door to go out after checking that needs to be checked when we go out and then I remember I left the light on in the bedroom(Puff) I get back in, switch the light off and THEN I have to pee! Again. Doesn’t matter what I did 2 minutes ago.

Am in a conversation and I can feel it mocking me, chanting “Pee, Pee , Pee” some days in Hindi “Susu susu susu” and I have to pee.

Do you see what the bladder is doing to me?Who do I complain, it’s  my own bladder. Can you imagine how many minutes I have spent peeing! Am eyeballing .. 1000000!

I hate to see a washroom because THEN DEFINITELY I have to pee.

I hate when someone says “wait .. I will be just back from the toilet” because I have to follow too .. to Pee. Just, please don’t mention pee in front of me. My bladder hears it and THEN I have to pee. It is like it does not know that it is made to hold yellow looking urine. Instead, it behaves like it is sleeping all time, wakes up and “Oh shit, am flooded, there is yellow water in me, flush it out” and I got to go pee. Bladder, you are supposed to be flooded all the time.

Bloody Bladder – I have to pee now.

26803357b981b32e627df9e4f2c2c4e5-nail-drying-nailart
This is also me, in the rare event when I do decide to deck up, complete with nail polish and when I have lots of other stuff to do, but I cannot because my hands feel like robot hands due to nail-paint, but my bloody B remember it’s duty time – empty me!

 

Sometimes, before I visit washroom, my biggest fear is What if all of them are occupied.. that means a wait and my bladder is not only small but also impatience.  Luckily, am more relaxed peeing in India, because there is always more than one toilet inside the door that says washroom. But this was not so much when I was visiting Europe. There, everywhere it was just one door and that opens up to pee. One at a time. I wonder if it is because all Europeans have big bladder(they are certainly taller than Asians) or that no two have the urge to pee at the same time, low pee rate or simply fewer bladders as such for the small population living there. I will never know.

Most of the time, Every time I pee, I envy boys because, by the context of this post, you should at least guess by now – Why? Why I envy boys. I envy boys, or anyone with a natural flexible hose to let out the jet stream in just three steps- un-zip, pee, and zip up. Wash hands if you want too. Do you know how many steps a girl have to go through…It is a bloody obstacle course!

 

  1. Feel the need to pee. On a side note, this line “Feel the need to pee” is full of e’s , that is a fun fact.
  2. Go to the washroom , find an empty one. Lucky you.
  3. Unzip ,pull down, sit down. Unzip, here is just one word, but believe me, it is not as easy as writing unzip, especially for Indian ladies wearing Salwar Kameez. Salwar is a pant with a drawstring. For simplicity sake, let’s just say it involves pulling string, THE right drawstring in the right way otherwise I might end up tightening instead of opening.  And that my friend, is not a situation you wanna be ever. I have learned my lesson, by supplying scissor to my edgy roommate, at the crucial moments when she really needed to empty but pulled the wrong drawstring.  In the end, she had many salwars with no drawstring.
  4. Next step is Pee. Now, I must say , even though am blabbing a lot against pee in this post, this is the time when am most relaxed. Sit down and let it go. It is like the calm after a thunderstorm, it is the feeling that the worst is over. It is also a portal for all gases to be free ( it is not fart, although it is very close) . It is very close to meditation. Who knows , at the rate I pee, I might open pee-meditation classes.
  5. The last step. Zip it up. Check the seat is neat, wipe, clean, wash hands and be done

See, how overwhelming it would be for a girl to pee? A race against time and bladder. It is just pure display of bladder power. I dont know what am I writing. This pee post is really making me pee more. 

Be right back. From pee. 

More on the topic? 

Do not get me started about my trips to the bathroom when I was pregnant. The only other thing that I mastered, apart from farting, during those nine months is how to rush to pee. My boy loved to squeeze my bladder and my bladder was like .. Take all the space you need boy, I have been here my whole life. It was my baby’s first toy. Squeeze, mama moving, mama sitting and finally mama aaahhhing.

Speaking on this topic , I do have a question to all the girls wearing jumpsuits .. you know the type of suit that is an adult onesie, only with a belt.

HOW THE HELL YOU MANAGE TO PEE IN THAT?

I cannot imagine wearing it,because I cannot imagine taking it off every half an hour , I hate to change clothes. In my opinion, strippers must have the most boring job. Take it off one at a time, slowly, seductively. Are you kidding me? Just throw it on the couch and be over with!

Aaah .. I really hated bladder. No wonder this post is already so long.

Now, so how did I become friend with my bladder? What changed my mind?

Starting again , For a really long time, I hated my bladder. Actually up until yesterday.

It so happened that I had a good, sumptuous dinner on Monday, the influence of which was clearly visible up at least until Tuesday noon. I think my stomach stopped working because I could feel the meal sitting there, just sitting. The food was awesome. No stomach would want to digest that. .

So,  the lazy self was getting wasted on bean bag all morning, almost all noon when.. I felt it. I felt, the urge to pee. And that was the light bulb moment for me… I do not hate my bladder. It is not bad. It is actually my friend..Did you get it?

My bladder, all this time was actually motivating me to be not lazy, but to get up, go to the bathroom , pee and well, bath while am in the bathroom. It is taking care of me, wakes me up early so I am ready to face the day on time.  So I learn to meditate. So I learn to pull the right string. So I am with my friend when she needs me in the toilet, both peeing. So I am active in my life, move around, visit the bathroom. Am healthy because of my bladder today.  How could I not see that before? I learned so much in all of my pee trip.

I learned to hold tight and when it is the right time, let go.

 

 

 

 

PJ and some blah blah.

I refuse to bow down to any allegation that I could be insidiously annoying this time of the month. I can prove that in none of the conversations, meetings or personal interactions I had this month, I was eating anyone’s brain.

“Oh my god, Am just out from a meeting with H and She was eating my brain over blah blah.”

Nope! That is a lie.

Am a perfect girl this season. One who is suddenly always a great listener, appreciative, conversationalist, never blah blah blahs. I just cannot annoy anyone.  For instance, WordPress is saying I have spam comments and I love these comments but it is all spam, I would not want them to be spam, but it is what it is and WordPress is shielding me,helping me and am not complaining…only hoping that someone selling cheap low Viagra online is also a veracious reader who while enhancing life surfs WordPress and comments on my post “Grade A stuff. I’m unquestionably in your debt.”  And instead of clicking on “Empty Spam” because WordPress says it is a spam , I bask in that “Grade A, huh .. I must be good“.

Where am I going with all this? Am not eating anyone’s brain…..I cannot be.

(Coughing) Sorry can’t type anymore .. I think I have some part of your brain stuck in my throat.

(Spitting out) But I cannot eat it .. am fasting. Roza.

Happy Ramadan.

Me with fork and knife – Sweetie, Is it time yet? let’s eat some brain  dates.

Image source

 

Wishes for New Year!

I have been thinking after reading numerous wishes I have received in last 24 hours. Everyone suddenly seems to be sincerely wishing me love, peace, happiness, and prosperity for the new year ahead.  Are you listening to all this Universe – You have got a job to do!

Hmm, Something tells me that love, peace, happiness .. is all perspective. God will be confused, he She has no time to read between lines, and given the amount of request perhaps it would be better if my friends could send me wishes, telling exactly what to do. Anything could go wrong in sending love,peace and happiness my way!

God:  Hmm, Someone sent her happiness – So should I send a puppy or give a flat tummy? Hell .. I have got plenty to do ..let’s just send her a puppy. 

Noooooooooooooo ! It’s the other one lady!

To all my wonderful readers, visitor, bloggers, followers, if you have not send any wishes, read and you will know what you have say. Be precise 😉

On top of my list, and that of everyone else 

“May you get a waistline that will fit you into size XS,   S (Alright, I will be practical) M size!”

Head: Something tells me this will be wish of 90% of people of ladies on planet earth, which might be too much for God to handle and also that am writing this very late, I might be already at the bottom of wish list, but I could certainly outwit if everyone wishes me this, certainly the number of messages counts ! See there are lots of these waistline messages, let’s just do it and get the hell out of her list.

May your dinner plate have a constant supply of chicken, mutton   keema, and pan fried spice wrapped fish fry, and on the days when dinner looks  green and veggie, the universal-power-of-meat magically turns every veg mouth-full into chicken-curry/fish-fry mouth-full!

May you get super-eyes that can burn your calories just by “looking” at the person running on the treadmill. Just a stare and there 100 calories gone!  Evil laugh

May your husband learns to put the SUPER WET towel on the clothesline, NOT, definitely NOT on the bed.

May your son learns to keep his mouth shut during poo, I swear I do not find his Look mummy, that is bada(fat) potty, this is chota(small) potty talks cute anymore!

May you win a lotto to visit Venice and a wonderful nanny to take care of your son at home (definitely not with you), while you and husband live your dream of Gondola ride where you are singing at the top of voice THE song that made you fall in love with Venice!

May your husband shaves his beard every day, each and every of 365 days ahead,  such that it no more render half of his face area useless, giving him a powerful weaponry to annoy me just by brushing it off my face whenever I plan to annoy him and he wants to scare me away. Trust me, you do not want to feel those little prickly hair monster and loose a game of I-can-outsmart-you with your partner.

May you get to walk in the rain, under the umbrella, big enough to hold you and your husband together, but small to keep you both close. AFTER he has put his towel on the clothesline and shaved his beard.

May you never hold onto the feeling of I need to pee immediately outside the bathroom door contemplating if it would be rude to knock while some lady is possibly just looking through her facebook feeds and planning her next selfie – a pout with beauty mode ON to make her skin glowing like a light bulb.

May the days and nights of the weekend be longer than weekdays. And that your days be filled with absolutely nothing but a bed and pillow.If that is a subject, then be the subject matter expert in it.

May WordPress gives you a free domain! Yay!

And as for new year resolution, I have tried , revised and finally made peace with what Calvin says.

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How I became a Doctor.

We watch House MD. Me and my husband. All season , all re-runs. I think we are addicted.

hmm, Sometimes over tea while watching re-run I ask him : Why do we watch House ?

What is it with this TV series, full of medical jargons we possibly would not understand without the english subtitle , not to mention annoying main character who is crippled,refuses to wear coat , preaches not to follow rules and thinks he is the Sherlock Holmes or worst God himself.
…. and what the hell is Dept of  Diagnostics anyways ? 

… and why does Dean of a prestigious hospital wears sexy , tight , plunging neckline dress everyday to office. Phew , the neckline , that tight skirt .  Hospital is hot. 

I can cure.

Me with ladies on an evening walk , ladies who are blessed to know nothing about House

Friend ( suddenly , trying to hold on to me, clearly in lot of pain) : I don’t know , I have this leg pain from past 2-3 days..wont go away… can we stop for a sec?

Me (guffawed .. like real loud big guffaw) :  Vicodin. Take vicodin.

All eyes on me , earth stopped at its course .. actually I felt everything stopped at its course  and every pair of eyes on me.Lady .. didnt you hear that.. she just said she is in pain .. she is your friend .. what’s with that laugh?! 

Me : I mean ..  .. Vicodin is pain killer. Take it.

vicodin
Pain , pain go away . Come again another day. Vicodin is here to stay 😀

Friend : Eh , Is vicodin good?

Hell yes .. Breakfast of champions!

And there , normality was resumed. Earth continued its rotation and I thanked Dr House for saving my friendship.

People have symptoms..

Really , Miss goody. One who cares about water crisis , kids fighting in the garden,the stray cat, dog .. and then always after the party in  oh-i-care-so-much voice

How did she back go home .. I hope she got a drop ?

That is definitely a symptom . A cause of an underlying disease. No one , no human being with right set of DNA and grey matter can be THAT nice about, hell , every living being crawling , breathing on earth , air or wind.

Niceness is a symptom and she needs treatment. She does not know this yet.

Dr house can diagnose it, I could diagnose it.
Who knows .. next could be that she got a heart attack because the kid fell off the swing and got bruises.

I learned I could not be seeing what my eyes sees , hear what my ears heard or whats coming out or rather hoping to come out of son’s bum soon.

Night time.. eyes very very sleepy , lights off , head just about to rest on pillow ..

Son: Mummy potty .

I heard something , I saw son saying potty , holding on to his dear tushy and hubby dear taking him to bathroom and me sleeping . He said “Goodnight sweetie” . My eyes are closed , body relaxed. I have a wonderful loving husband .

Son (screaming ): Potty …!

Husband ( screaming ) : He wants to go to potty. Only with you ..

Me: what is happening .. I just saw you took him to bathroom.

Husband : Stop seeing things and take him to bathroom. He only wants to go with you ..

Aaaah , where the hell is my loving caring husband !  I hallunicated him ..

Evil bitch

Now , that is what I call a bitch. In real sense. A human bitch.I mean literally , physically , whole-heartily, emotionally , when-she-speak-ily , when-she-doesnt-speakily. She talks evil about everyone , spreads lies , gangs up and blah blah blah blah.

As you ,my intelligent reader species have understood  by now , I hate her  too ( too..?Yes I dont like Miss goody ) with my pure heart , lungs and kidney.

Symptom . Again.

She cant be THAT annoying . I mean look at her gorgeous figure .How can someone with such good looks can be such a snob..She needs help.

She definitely needs Dr House.

ugh-people
She is nice = symptom, She is evil = symptom, She is normal = deep rooted , difficult to detect symptom.

He doesn’t mean what he is saying..Everybody lies.

Husband at dinner table: I think this needs a bit of salt .Pass me salt , please.

Me : What (He is lying .. messing with my head , my your cooking skills , I should reply with an attitude Do-not-mess-with-me) : I think salt is just fine.

Husband: Pass me salt ..

Me: I know what you are trying to do. And I will not accept this. Everybody lies. You are a liar.

Husband (holly molly) : I do not need salt. Salt is just fine.
Me : Thanks Doctor House… I know now .. lies!

everybodylies
Salt is salt (source=google)

You are a Ninja warrior.

Move over doctors , MD , MBBS , MHDNS … I can solve any problem.

And you know what , lets do a differential diagonastic. I bet my doctor won’t even understand what does that mean. Who needs a doctor when we have a Doctor with capital D.

Problem :Pain in the leg

Do a brain biopsy and hit your leg at the same time . The brain cells that lights up when you hit your leg ..those are the one! Remove those nasty brain cells and leg pain will be gone forever. Trust me  , it works. Every third patient in a hospital needs brain biopsy.

Problem :Bad itching , or hiccups non-stop. Perhaps suffering from running nose ? running for a long time.

Must be Autoimmune disorder. Body’s immune system is turned against itself , so runny nose keeps running , itches keeps itching, hiccups won’t  stop. What the hell immune system is NOT doing. Tell doctor , I want to replace my immune system. It is faulty. Just get immune transplant.

Rest of all : Just take broad spectrum antibiotics and you will be covered from any tom,dick or harry disease.

Then there is always Vicodin.


 

Reader ,the intelligent species : Hey , This is such an insightful post.. Thank you so much.I feel like am a doctor now.

Me : Don’t thank me. Thanks House.

Reader ,the one-with-symptom  species :So, what’s next ? I want to be a serial killer. Do you watch Dexter?

Me : Dear , I also watch Law and Order , Castle and  Quantico!


 

PS: All images = from google.

PPS: My dear husband suggested House to write post . He is watching House now and have not read this post yet. Am sure he will agree or care to disagree. In either case , I will give him broad spectrum antibiotic to cure him of whatever he has.