I have to pee. And then how I became friends with my bladder.

For a really long time, I hated my bladder. I had my reasons.

My bladder is too small. Tiny Winy. I have not X-Rayed, measured or seen its capacity, but I know. Either that or it simply doesn’t do what it is supposed to do.. what a waste of space.  That too, Inside me.

Why am I sizing up my bladder, why does anything make me hate a part of me?

Reasons

Am going for a meeting in like anytime now – I have to pee. The meeting is over – I have to pee.

I end my day at the office, but before starting home- I have to pee. In fifteen minutes, I reach home- I put my keys in the keyhole and rush I have to pee.

We are going out, am checking everything that should be checked when we are going out because my husband is too lazy to do it, post for some other day how-to-survive-lazy-husband and point for this post, as the last thing I check- THEN I have to pee.

I just closed the door to go out after checking that needs to be checked when we go out and then I remember I left the light on in the bedroom(Puff) I get back in, switch the light off and THEN I have to pee! Again. Doesn’t matter what I did 2 minutes ago.

Am in a conversation and I can feel it mocking me, chanting “Pee, Pee , Pee” some days in Hindi “Susu susu susu” and I have to pee.

Do you see what the bladder is doing to me?Who do I complain, it’s  my own bladder. Can you imagine how many minutes I have spent peeing! Am eyeballing .. 1000000!

I hate to see a washroom because THEN DEFINITELY I have to pee.

I hate when someone says “wait .. I will be just back from the toilet” because I have to follow too .. to Pee. Just, please don’t mention pee in front of me. My bladder hears it and THEN I have to pee. It is like it does not know that it is made to hold yellow looking urine. Instead, it behaves like it is sleeping all time, wakes up and “Oh shit, am flooded, there is yellow water in me, flush it out” and I got to go pee. Bladder, you are supposed to be flooded all the time.

Bloody Bladder – I have to pee now.

26803357b981b32e627df9e4f2c2c4e5-nail-drying-nailart
This is also me, in the rare event when I do decide to deck up, complete with nail polish and when I have lots of other stuff to do, but I cannot because my hands feel like robot hands due to nail-paint, but my bloody B remember it’s duty time – empty me!

 

Sometimes, before I visit washroom, my biggest fear is What if all of them are occupied.. that means a wait and my bladder is not only small but also impatience.  Luckily, am more relaxed peeing in India, because there is always more than one toilet inside the door that says washroom. But this was not so much when I was visiting Europe. There, everywhere it was just one door and that opens up to pee. One at a time. I wonder if it is because all Europeans have big bladder(they are certainly taller than Asians) or that no two have the urge to pee at the same time, low pee rate or simply fewer bladders as such for the small population living there. I will never know.

Most of the time, Every time I pee, I envy boys because, by the context of this post, you should at least guess by now – Why? Why I envy boys. I envy boys, or anyone with a natural flexible hose to let out the jet stream in just three steps- un-zip, pee, and zip up. Wash hands if you want too. Do you know how many steps a girl have to go through…It is a bloody obstacle course!

 

  1. Feel the need to pee. On a side note, this line “Feel the need to pee” is full of e’s , that is a fun fact.
  2. Go to the washroom , find an empty one. Lucky you.
  3. Unzip ,pull down, sit down. Unzip, here is just one word, but believe me, it is not as easy as writing unzip, especially for Indian ladies wearing Salwar Kameez. Salwar is a pant with a drawstring. For simplicity sake, let’s just say it involves pulling string, THE right drawstring in the right way otherwise I might end up tightening instead of opening.  And that my friend, is not a situation you wanna be ever. I have learned my lesson, by supplying scissor to my edgy roommate, at the crucial moments when she really needed to empty but pulled the wrong drawstring.  In the end, she had many salwars with no drawstring.
  4. Next step is Pee. Now, I must say , even though am blabbing a lot against pee in this post, this is the time when am most relaxed. Sit down and let it go. It is like the calm after a thunderstorm, it is the feeling that the worst is over. It is also a portal for all gases to be free ( it is not fart, although it is very close) . It is very close to meditation. Who knows , at the rate I pee, I might open pee-meditation classes.
  5. The last step. Zip it up. Check the seat is neat, wipe, clean, wash hands and be done

See, how overwhelming it would be for a girl to pee? A race against time and bladder. It is just pure display of bladder power. I dont know what am I writing. This pee post is really making me pee more. 

Be right back. From pee. 

More on the topic? 

Do not get me started about my trips to the bathroom when I was pregnant. The only other thing that I mastered, apart from farting, during those nine months is how to rush to pee. My boy loved to squeeze my bladder and my bladder was like .. Take all the space you need boy, I have been here my whole life. It was my baby’s first toy. Squeeze, mama moving, mama sitting and finally mama aaahhhing.

Speaking on this topic , I do have a question to all the girls wearing jumpsuits .. you know the type of suit that is an adult onesie, only with a belt.

HOW THE HELL YOU MANAGE TO PEE IN THAT?

I cannot imagine wearing it,because I cannot imagine taking it off every half an hour , I hate to change clothes. In my opinion, strippers must have the most boring job. Take it off one at a time, slowly, seductively. Are you kidding me? Just throw it on the couch and be over with!

Aaah .. I really hated bladder. No wonder this post is already so long.

Now, so how did I become friend with my bladder? What changed my mind?

Starting again , For a really long time, I hated my bladder. Actually up until yesterday.

It so happened that I had a good, sumptuous dinner on Monday, the influence of which was clearly visible up at least until Tuesday noon. I think my stomach stopped working because I could feel the meal sitting there, just sitting. The food was awesome. No stomach would want to digest that. .

So,  the lazy self was getting wasted on bean bag all morning, almost all noon when.. I felt it. I felt, the urge to pee. And that was the light bulb moment for me… I do not hate my bladder. It is not bad. It is actually my friend..Did you get it?

My bladder, all this time was actually motivating me to be not lazy, but to get up, go to the bathroom , pee and well, bath while am in the bathroom. It is taking care of me, wakes me up early so I am ready to face the day on time.  So I learn to meditate. So I learn to pull the right string. So I am with my friend when she needs me in the toilet, both peeing. So I am active in my life, move around, visit the bathroom. Am healthy because of my bladder today.  How could I not see that before? I learned so much in all of my pee trip.

I learned to hold tight and when it is the right time, let go.

 

 

 

 

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English idiom – Think of the devil and the devil is here.

Hindi idiom – Badi lambi umar hai tumhari, abhi yaad kar rahe the .. ” You are gonna live a long life, we were just speaking about you”.

When English met Hindi idiom – You are the devil who is gonna live a long life.

Me: I hope they never meet.

PJ and some blah blah.

I refuse to bow down to any allegation that I could be insidiously annoying this time of the month. I can prove that in none of the conversations, meetings or personal interactions I had this month, I was eating anyone’s brain.

“Oh my god, Am just out from a meeting with H and She was eating my brain over blah blah.”

Nope! That is a lie.

Am a perfect girl this season. One who is suddenly always a great listener, appreciative, conversationalist, never blah blah blahs. I just cannot annoy anyone.  For instance, WordPress is saying I have spam comments and I love these comments but it is all spam, I would not want them to be spam, but it is what it is and WordPress is shielding me,helping me and am not complaining…only hoping that someone selling cheap low Viagra online is also a veracious reader who while enhancing life surfs WordPress and comments on my post “Grade A stuff. I’m unquestionably in your debt.”  And instead of clicking on “Empty Spam” because WordPress says it is a spam , I bask in that “Grade A, huh .. I must be good“.

Where am I going with all this? Am not eating anyone’s brain…..I cannot be.

(Coughing) Sorry can’t type anymore .. I think I have some part of your brain stuck in my throat.

(Spitting out) But I cannot eat it .. am fasting. Roza.

Happy Ramadan.

Me with fork and knife – Sweetie, Is it time yet? let’s eat some brain  dates.

Image source

 

Then

Me: Sweetie, am feeling really hot…Uff!
Sweetie aka husband: Why don’t you take off…….
And rest of the night spent in exercising and feeling hotter 😉

Now

Me: Sweetie, am feeling really hot… Uff!
Sweetie aka husband: What is it set to ..? I told you to set it to 19 (irritatingly) give me the remote.
And rest of the night spent in adjusting AC setting.

True story.

Cake or Roti, A Valentine must have.

14th Feb was Valentine day. It is a silly day to celebrate love. Love should be celebrated every day. Not just one day. And with that one line, I sound bored.I know.

Anyhow.

We sort of did. Yay ! The basic minimum. He got me a wonderful cake. He always gets me a cake. That is the least, I know his lazy bones does permit.

A cake on 14th Feb 2006:

Me: Oh Sweetie, I love you ❤

A cake on 14th Feb 2017

Me: Holly-Molly, there sits a kilo weight gain. Why couldn’t it be valentine sandwich?? What is wrong in that thought??!

On second thought- I think it is better Valentine is celebrated only once a year.

Nevermind the weight-gain. I had a bite, then another one, few more and few more and then stopped ..only to begin again. Look at the cake .. How can anyone stop after a bite, you must be very very cruel to not go for the second spoon of THAT?

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Anyhow, moving ahead.

For the curious minds, the next question might be..”What did you do, ha? yeah, for him, on valentine? What did you get him?

I made a chapati, aka India bread. It came out pretty well. Can you see the shape? Cool,Eh 😀

heart

For those of you, who couldn’t figure out what is pretty cool about that bread is.I will spell it out for you. It is a heart. A perfect  heart.

Aha!Got it ? Eureka!

Shush, Now, listen, you observant folks. Very important. “Do not tell anyone that I cannot make perfect round roti aka Indian bread.” Do. Not. Nope. Zip your lips, sealed forever. Cross your heart and hope to die.

Especially, don’t go tell my husband it-wasn’t-intented-to-be-heart-shaped because what really matters is the shape at the end. And what is it? A heart.

So, Now folks, What do you think, which one is a better valentine must-have? (Hint: new age romance)

A heart shaped cake ( Naaah ..that is so 1947! Everyone does that since the big bang, cake, chocolate, flowers!)

OR

A heart shaped roti (Now, that’s what I will call a symbol of love.. pure love and affection, very uncommon, very creative, very new age romance, every piece is unique!)

Gosh, Am so romantic. My husband must be feeling lucky. 

And not hungry anymore. 

How to spend 10 minutes, rather waste 10, & then another 30 blogging about it.

At the office, my colleague AbhiSwami started an online chat with three of us. Him, me and SatyaSwami.

AbhiSwami  : Hi

SatyaSwami: Hi

Me                  : Hello

AbhiSwami  : Can we meet now to discuss the issue ..blah-blah-blah?

Me                      : sure, now?

SatyaSwami  : Give me 10 minutes.

AbhiSwami  : Ok

Me  My Head:

“Give me 10 minutes” *pondering*, So what exactly is SatyaSwami implying?

Is it that to discuss the issue, he demand that both of us give him 10 minutes of (stress on next word) OUR  time ( I capitalized it just so you see where am going)  which will yield HIM 20 minutes of …..time, to be precise, my time. Did you see what he is doing? Blackmail ..In clear text, in broad daylight, at office?!? WTH SatyaSwami!

Chill lady head! 

That could be the beginning of something fun. Hey! I have 20 minutes, got it from my colleagues.Sounds like you have wonderful colleagues…. 

Yes!

So now that it is implied that AbhiSwami will give him his next 10 minutes, how will he give him that? Stand next to him. Sleep for next 10 minutes, so that SatyaSwami can do whatever he wanted to do without his colleague hovering over his shoulder “Take my 10 minutes”. Should I go join AbhiSwami *realizing he doesn’t know all this yet, certainly this is in my head*, Should I tell him Let’s go and give our time to SatyaSwami? He asked for it “Give me 10 minutes” and it is certainly no blackmail. I have pondered.

Interesting, So is “time” a commodity now?  How shall I order it? Boy! Give me a cord, a butter   butcher  butter knife, a hand glove, 100mg chloroform, a big gunny sack …. and a pack of 30 minutes?

*Pondering* What shall I do with this extra time and all the stuff along in my order?

Well, certainly if anyone gives me 30 minutes,  You would find me on the bed under the quilt, in the morning, sleeping! I will keep the rest of the stuff in the gunny bag.  What were you thinking? chloroform might comes handy at a time when the kid wouldn’t shut his eyes and my eyes won’t remain open!

Would AbhiSwami give me 10 minutes, if I ask? He seems content to give SatyaSwami…no complaint, no question asked. Just “Ok”.

More of blah blah blah…

After 10 minutes,

SatyaSwami pinged and we proceeded to discuss the issue.

The Epiphany.

Aha! So, That’s how I gave my time when he asked: “Give me 10 minutes”.But he didn’t take it… What a waste of time. 

Now, The Epiphany 2.

And after, another 30 or so minutes of writing this.

*Me, Growling* SatyaSwami – YOU OWN ME 40 MINUTES !

Image source – pixabay. check pixabay , great , free pictures.

A compliment is a compliment

..no matter who, how, when and what the exact words are…

Son never ever wants his father to wash his bum after potty. Yes, wash bum, we Indians, I have to say proudly, wash our bum with water after the poo. Wiping is not our way. A wipe will never do for us. Nope sir, no, nahi, Wipe? I mean, I cannot fathom how does that is called a clean bum.

Nevermind, don’t tell me.

How is all this related to a compliment?

Patience is a virtue and am getting there. Read on. I have a feeble mind, get’s high with just any good words coming my way.

Son always wants me during his potty time. It’s a sort of compliment for a mother but not for this post.

Yesterday, as usual, he was busy prattling when sitting on the commode, I asked why he won’t let his papa wash his bum, why only me?

Because, mummy, you are thin and slim like my POTTY. 

And, here comes the blush!

Wait, he compared me to potty? Ewwwww! Yuk!

Hey, wait, he said – thin and slim. Lemme highlight that – thin and slim.

That’s my boy! I can wash his bum forever, and ever, and ever.

 

Just when I decided to quit eating sweet , Universe noticed Aha.

And my dear neighbor decided to learn to bake cakes !

Two. Chocolate and Pineapple.

With frosting. Pink !

Pineapple is my favorite !

True Story.

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Universe : Victory! 

 

Shit happens, On a train , Jokes fell flat, train moves on .. husband at his best!

Husband and I , traveling by train. Sitting  , side-by-side.

He is reading a newspaper ,  and am looking out of the window.

Utterly bored. 

Me ( with 1000 watts smile , when an idea worth 1000 watts stuck me) :

Let’s just pretend , we don’t know each other. Am with my son and you are a stranger. And here is the fun part –You are hitting on me! Imagine that. I will pretend to frown , roll my eyes , ignore you , but you will persist , push conversations..smile. blah blah

After 2 minutes , I have already improvised , and continue blabbing . 

Better, I will script it. We will start when I will ask you “What is the time , Sir” , and you will take it as a cue …you will answer but continue talking..ask personal questions, play with my son.. .. .. blah blah …be really friendly … try to impress me … try to make a joke … funny line .. act intellectually .. hoping I will be impressed .. nervous to ask me ..

After 2 minutes ,More blah blah… 

So , are you ready? Shall we start the act?

I adjust my dress , hair , take a sip , pretend to be super -busy and ..

Light , Camera , Action

Me: Hello Sir, what is the time?

Husband (wtf-who-the-hell-are-you ) :I DON’T TALK TO STRANGER.

who-the-hell-are-you
The end of the conversation where he was gonna impress me and I was gonna ignore him 

Shit happens, on train , jokes fell flat, train moves on ….And am like..

wehadadeal

Bmuuwaaah My Reign of Terror !

One-to-one meeting with my Project Manager at work about my work , feedback , general stuffs but no appraisal,no hike  yet..

Wait , did I say No appraisal ? Then Why the hell am I in this meeting?

The conversation

Manager : Himadri , we are very happy with your work.

Me (feeling excited within , but act cool ):  Thank you.

Manager : But here are some feedback from your colleagues and this is just perspective .

Me ( Grrrrrr give me the name and address , I have murder streak somedays and I can fix this issues on those days..) Yup , am listening.

Manager : S said there might be some folks in our team who are afraid to approach you.

Me ( Grrrrr , Grrr) : Okay.

Me  in my head : Did he said afraid ?

Manager : I know you say what you want to say and do blah blah , but some of the folks see the open discussion as threat .. blah blah blah .. hesitate …. too open .. blah ..blah.. afraid to approach you blah blah blah ..

I was still at contemplating “afraid of ME” and manager was already in second half of the story ..

My Reign of terror

Afraid of me , WOW so people are terrified of me! afraid of me . I have my own subjects who are afraid of me , hesitate to talk to me , come and work with me everyday but are terrified me ! My own “Reign of Terror” .

So that is the reason M never looks up to me when I speak to him . He just keeps looking at the monitor and says “Yes , you did break your laptop ! Thrice! I saw it with my own eyes”! Reason for why A never ever tries to question me saying How can I ask Architect to … N, never ever utter a word in my presence , just smile and agree with whatever I say. This is a good approach , never upset me , might bite you 😀

I  should know the names , a list of names, definitely. Imagine the possibility I have now in my hands. I have established , worked my way up to terrorize people , to make them feel threatened and now its reap time.

My evil self is popping his head every sec now “why the hell are you doing this yourself , you have a stream of people ready to do anything less I Bmummmmwaaah them into sand!”

List to do

  • I could use my “terror” to make people do things annoyingly stupid , just below my grey cells to do .. like filling up time sheet every freaking friday.  My brain is so powerful to multi task , that you seriously cannot categorize it as “Did Project X from 1030 to 1130” . I can multitask , can do hundreds of things .. So while this “afraid” team member of mine fills the time sheet , my brain can complete another task in hand .. like choosing the handbag  from ebay.
  •  Print outs ,  Should I waste my enormous energy to “fix” printer ? The printer really knows how to teach us the road paper travels through its interiors to give us final out. It says Tray A is jammed , then B is jammed so on and so forth.  You fix the jam , you are rewarded with the final print and the knowledge that the printer has A B C D trays ! It’s time for the afraid guy to know the trays of printer! Or better yet , can I terrorize printer a machine?
  •  A cup of coffee on my desk before I start my work is must and who is better to do then “not me self” but ” that shivering afraid guy “! Second thoughts-  Coffee is the time when I establish my reign, spread it, recruit more “afraid” people.. I have to do this task myself! Strike this off list.
  • Have you ever ever filled documents for VISA . The Swedes wants to know my family tree .They have a document to fill in all details of each of your family member. Then there are plenty more document to submit. Hmm , lemme pick one of my afraid subject to do this stupid task.

As days will pass, the list and my terror should increase to the level that I just have to utter a word and thing will be done. I already feel like am a big body builder with enormous muscle power , huge eyes and a gigantic roaring voice and rest of the world is shivering quivering afraid people from Lilliput..

Boo!


PS : Are you afraid of me ? Not yet ? Bwaaaaahhh … Now ?

PPS : If you are my friend I can actually ask my “afraid” subjects to do your task ! Perk to be the one with boss 🙂